-Jeff Luppino-Esposito

Here I sit, 11 less dollars in my pocket, with a morning sickness induced by a nauseating mix of lead-based theater popcorn and the tune of 'moldy peaches' forced down my throat.
Despite director Jason Reitman's hopes, I am most definitely not one happy "dude".

In Hollywood's latest attempt at mainstreaming supposedly indie films, "Juno" has done an absolutely stunning job at fooling a vast majority of the general public, as well as respected critics, into embracing its spoon-fed charm. I'm here to bring you the sad truth: this movie was an absolute miscarriage....

While I found Ellen Page admittedly adorable and most of the cast to be in top shape, the dialogue and direction managed to completely counterbalance their talents. The under-use (and of course underdevelopment) of the baby's daddy (Michael Cera), Juno's stepmother (Allison Janney), and her father ( J.K. Simmons) was disheartening to say the very least. Simultaneously the overuse (yet ALSO the underdevelopment) of the best friend and poor excuse for a valley girl in flyover America (Olivia Thirlby) was equally upsetting.

Quick note to all of you who fell in love with this 'film': real people don't make perfectly placed trendy analogies at the age of 16 while bearing child.

Now I know this is not meant to be reality, I understand the way entertainment works, but this is a movie that definitely took itself seriously, just as many of its supporters who seem to be finding some hidden truth in this film that I obviously must be too much of a sell out to understand. How do I know this movie takes itself seriously? Easy, if you find the need to put a fresh-outta-the-womb "blood and guts" covered baby on screen for an extended period of time, you take yourself very seriously.

In one drawn out display of paradox, this bastard child of a film manages to be overt and unrealistic while also being predictable and cliché.

But wait, before I go on with my deconstruction of this film, let me insert an unnecessary montage of me standing up from my chair and going to get a snack from the kitchen-- this will give me the perfect excuse to insert more poorly-sung indie songs to prove my authenticity as a "fuck-the-man!" film (literally and metaphorically).

Ok I'm back, hope the plot didn't advance without me. Oh no wait, what am I thinking, any twists in the story have been foreshadowed so painfully that they couldn't be even remotely shocking. Somehow everyone around Juno seems to see that bringing an ultrasound over to the father-to-be's house is "out of bounds". The otherwise humorous stepmother, a veteran of the married life, magically foresees the obvious translation of such an act-- "Here's the picture of your baby, now please leave your wife, who is one of the most beautiful women in the world, and fornicate my pregnant 16 year old body."
It made no sense when her visit was portrayed as shady, and when the "truth" came out, I was terribly under-whelmed.

This film should be the end of the line for Michael Cera. I hate to say it because I think he's fantastic, but if another director makes him spit out awkward attempts at sentences and act moderately challenged while also making women fall in love with him…and accept his role as a dead-beat father… that has to be the end of the line for an actor. At what point between his complete neglect of Juno's pregnancy and well-being are we supposed to believe that they are in love?! I don't even bite on them ever being "best friends"; the first time they really speak is when she storms into his house EIGHT MONTHS into the pregnancy. But of course, Juno, who is far too cool to care about her pregnancy, suddenly is appalled by not going to the prom with her man? Additionally, I want to believe she's a smart girl, but when you write her to act like a juvenile delinquent upon meeting the parents-to-be, I just refuse to go through the labor of accepting two contradicting characters rolled into one. I understand the roundness of real people, but this is just absurd.

Laziness seems to be the way of the production crew in both plot and character development. That's my only possible explanation (and PLEASE someone tell me if I missed something) for the hilarious neglect of a loose end established upon Juno's entrance into Bateman and Garner's home. Not verbatim but close:
"You have a child for us?" Garner asks hopefully.
"Yeah, we found your ad in the PennySaver," Juno excitedly replies.
"The PENNYSAVER?!? Our AD in the PennySaver??" Garner says with a look of shock and dismay.
"Does anyone want anything to drink? We…have…Pelligrino?? VITAMIN WATER!" Garner painfully continues as she slips out of the room in befuddled desperation.

What the HELL was that?! Why did that happen? I was waiting the entire time to find out what was so damn appalling about the PennySaver ad. I know this isn't a pivotal point (I've already exhausted most of the overall flaws in the film) but I really want to know what that was all about. One last character note on Garner: were we supposed to like her at the end? Anyone else just see her as completely selfish?

Well, my remarkably overt hamburger phone is ringing off the hook with angry teenage girls and boys who want to convince me that this was a charming film that I should appreciate for its warm message. Unfortunately I'll have to remind them all that this movie, like the most realistic plot decision from the start, should have been aborted a long time ago.

Still throwing up my blue slurpee,
Jeff L-E