-Ali Starzyk

(Spoilers ahead!)
Don’t let my lame attempt at “humor” dissuade you from seeing the new JJ Abrams monster movie. (Not that it needs any other advertisement, box office estimates for it’s opening weekend predict a money maker indeed, pulling in 44- 48 million dollars.)

Okay, you know the drill. A group of extremely attractive people all gather in one place to celebrate “x”, get drunk and partake in sorts of debauchery to inevitably get their vice-ridden asses whooped by karma....

It’s the tried and true recipe most horror movies made today are following. However, this time karma comes not in the form of a madman yielding an axe, supernatural phenomenon, or visitors from another planet but a “made in China” uber-monster bent on destroying all of New York City.

Let’s discuss this monster “thing” for a minute here. For the few brief minutes you can actually get a good look at it, (due to the documentary style filming of the movie, one handheld camera being our only eyes and ears, it’s very difficult to really see anything) it’s impossible to translate into words. It has the tail of a fish, arms and torso of an anorexic gargoyle, and eyes that invoke pity, being that they almost appear human. Oh, and not forgetting to mention the strange inflatable head “things” that emit what can only be described as babies of a spider/squid crossbreed. Personally I found the monster so ridiculous that instead of the fear it was supposed to instill within me, I couldn’t help but giggle to my fellow movie patron about just how vengeful I would be had I been born into that kind of awkward body.

Well, I’m not going to lie, I came to Cloverfield seeking a dose of raw carnage, so the beginning, which established relationships between all the characters, just wasn’t something I wanted to sit through for what seemed like an obscene amount of time. Okay, we get it, our hero Rob is in love with his best friend Beth but, oh no! She left the party early because the two never were able to explain their feelings, and he got jealous and angry when she brought a date. (Could it be the entire movie would be based around the resolution of these two richly developed characters unrequited love? But of course!)

So after the initial tremors of mayhem (the characters buying into the post 9-11 paranoia jumping straight to the conclusion that terrorists were attacking the city [although that does seem much more likely than this guy being the reason behind all the chaos]) we set out in search of Beth due to a particularly alarming phone message with Rob and his close friends at his side. And so begins the carnage.

The monster's "evil" is first introduced when the gang ships out to leave the apartment building where they had been watching in horror. “It, was eating, people!” stammers a shock suffering partygoer named Marlena. As the camera shakes and quivers to the news of the monster’s voracious appetite, the decision is made to find shelter. Like refugees, hoards of people begin their trek over to the George Washington Bridge. Think you’re getting out that easy? With several well-placed swoops of monster claw, it is demolished. (There’s a reason the light is usually at the end of the TUNNEL.) People die, but most of our party remains intact. Next, after receiving aforementioned phone message, we take to the tunnels where our characters get attacked by the spider/squid crossbreed, causing one bit member to begin to bleed from the eyes. (This is the part where I became distracted by all the young kids running out of the theater muttering to themselves about how brutal the movie is, one girl went careening up the stairs next to me in order to tear her young innocent eyes away from the death and destruction laid out before her.) Reaching safety in a camp above ground, Rob declines and sets off again to find Beth. Finally! We get to our destination, an apartment building overlooking central park. It’s not easy to make the climb up to the 47th or so floor, yet he and our ever-vigilant cameraman make it. The scene depicted is gruesome, Beth is speared through the shoulder on a spike-like object yet they rip her off and continue on.

Enough of this summary, I’m getting bored writing it and you’re probably getting bored reading it. And plus, I wouldn’t want to ruin the ending, now would I?

I left the theater in a state of goofy shock. It was intense, and the butchery I came for was definitely delivered. Although I laughed out loud at some of the parts which made attempts at calling on our emotions, it was all in all a well put together film complete with a good soundtrack, interesting cinematography decisions, and characters who I genuinely came to like.

I smell a cult classic!