- Jeff Luppino-Esposito

Earlier last week, sports-critic legend Steve Smith introduced me to an absolutely hilarious video of John Mayer calling the shots at a professional baseball game. No doubt, I couldn’t help but laugh at the singer’s mindless attempt at in-depth analysis, which culminated in the all-encompassing claim, “Here comes the pitch...and....That happened.” Then again, this is the same artist who managed to utter the phrase, “Say what you need to say” 27 times in a single song. But even if it is perfectly fitting for John Mayer to lack creative linguistics, is this merely a mockery of the singer, or an extreme example of the ultimately redundant nature of sports television announcing in the first place. This past weekend, the U.S. Open reaffirmed that longstanding suspicion within all of us....

It’s nothing we haven’t seen before—Mickelson hits a shot into the 5-inch rough, announcer wisely states that he’s surprised Mickelson didn’t go for the green. Announcer then proceeds to draw a line from Mickelson to the green and reiterates the intended target by drawing a massive ‘x’ over the hole with the big flag-bearing stick shoved inside it. Two days later we are told at least 18 times in a ten-minute period that Tiger’s knee is hurting, and, for the hearing impaired, Tiger’s knee is then pointed out with a line and an arrow… and then circled…three times.

Of course this idiocy isn’t restricted to golf commentary, we’ve seen it from too many announcers in pretty much any event, but it was especially highlighted by the fact that the players were participating in what is probably the most obnoxious and simultaneously the most gloriously-American event of the PGA and European tour. As avid golfer Rob Viola informs me, The US Open strives and succeeds to completely destroy the self-esteem of grown men at increasingly ridiculous levels each and every year.

Stretched out a record-long 7,643 yards of Manifest Destiny, the event was established in 1895 and continues to piss off lazy golfers season after season. If the four days of hellish hole-placement and “open rough” wasn’t enough, today the remaining two tied for first (Tiger Woods and Rocco Mediate) must endure yet another 18 holes of playoff. That’s right, instead of playing a sudden death hole, maybe even a couple holes, or hell, just giving up and calling it a tie, the US Open insists that another entire day must be played to settle the score. For the fans, I’m sure this is great, for the players I’m sure this sucks, and for me, well, for me, this offers a chance to actually just enjoy the ridiculousness of the announcers and pay even less attention to the sport than before. Should be a fun day.