Worst band of all time? Or just a cover?
- Jeff Luppino-Esposito
It was just a regular Tuesday afternoon, sitting around with my fellow PopSense contributors, eating salmon and discussing worthless celebrities, when suddenly we came to the shocking realization that we had yet to create a massive project mocking the Jonas Brothers and everything that they claim to stand for. This was a cultural crime of the highest degree considering the circumstances at hand. Here we are, three angsty teenage bloggers, shitting on terrible music with our indie flair, living in Northern New Jersey, or more specifically in Wyckoff, New Jersey-- the very home of the infamous Jonas Brothers. The idea hit us all immediately... 
We would make a film. But not just any film, no it would be the first of a series of films that would take PopSense satire to a new Swiftian high. It would feature Stelios, Ali, and I as the Jonas Brothers, with Ali playing Joe (studly) Jonas, Stelios as Nick (still waiting for his balls to drop) Jonas and myself as Kevin (marginally fruitier than the other two) Jonas.
But we wouldn’t just mock them by simply acting as the regular crappy teenage band that they are, falling on our faces at award ceremonies and ripping off our tunes from 70’s one-hit-wonders with a Nickelbackean accuracy of replication. No, instead, we would make the Jonas Brothers super heroes, secret super heroes of course, who have simply created the worst conceivable band as a front for their superhero activities. They mixed the perfect amount of suck with a enough punch of confused-Middle-School-girl-sex-appeal that would keep anyone from getting suspicious. I mean really, how could a band this terrible and this wrongfully popular ever be plotting to save the world one fashion crime at a time?
We put down our filleted fish and knew that this was the exact video we were destined to create. We decided it best to sleep on the idea and begin filming in a few days once we had all purchased the appropriately disgusting outfits and trained our voices to fail.
So why this endless hatred for the Jonas Brothers, you may ask? Well, it all began a few months ago when Kennelly first informed us of the existence of this super group. Apparently they were this horrible band (which we later confirmed) that grew up in Wyckoff (which we still are unaware of how this is possible, considering the fact that absolutely no one in the town knows who they are or that they ever existed). Regardless, not only does this band’s music blow, their entire persona is extremely frustrating. They have an official youtube channel where they post notably unfunny videos in hopes of being, well, funny, and they maintain a blog in which thousands of pathetic young girls comment on every post as if Kevin Jonas is gonna turn straight because you threw in twelve “<3” at the end of your statement. They have created this monster that appears human, for it does all the things that regular teenagers would be doing sincerely, and with this sick veneer they have convinced the 13-year-old girl population that they are listening to their 'friends' performing on the Disney Channel, not just celebrities.
And so, it would seem absolutely fitting if this were all just a front. If they created that facade of humanity not for the fame but as a mere distraction from their true goals as superheroes.
The next day, everything was falling into line. We received reports that the Jonas Brothers had actually just been doing some filming in Wyckoff's infamous "Boulder Run" shopping mall, as if to tell us we were on the right track. Shortly thereafter, a tourist on the streets of New York City actually mistook Stelios as Nick Jonas, begging for his autograph. I was coming down with a cold so my singing was at an all-time low, and Ali was to be double-cast as Joe Jonas and Mylie Cyrus (who wouldn't be a superhero at all, she would just suck).
Elated about our plans, I immediately Instant Messaged Kennelly to tell him how far we had come since that first day he told us about this 'band'. 
"... and so they would just be pretending to suck, sorta like Robin."
"Woah, woah, wait dude."
"What, you love it, right?"
"No. That's lame. Copying a Disney Channel show?"
I was sure he was mistaken. The idea must have been so good that he assumed it had been done.
"Oh, you mean like there have been other shows where people are really secret agents? Well, yeah, obviously, of course."
"No, I mean, look - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1044418/plotsummary
I signed off immediately.
So Jonas Brothers, you may have won the battle, but the war has just begun...
You know the problem with the Jonas Brothers? They are all more talented and better looking than you will ever be and sorry souls like you have to write articles like this to make yourselves feel better. Next time you try and find a bunch of no talent looooosers to write about pick yourselves!
By the way.. I am a mom of one of the pathetic young girls you write about....hmmmm
Great point m'am, thank you, so let's recap your argument-- Point 1- No, the Jonas Brothers don't suck, Point 2- In fact, you suck!, Point 3- My daughter agrees with me!
Well phrased, thank you for reading and we appreciate your support.
that lady sucks dick! Go popsense!!!!
Obviously you are too dim witted to get the point behind my saying.. "I am the mom of one of the pathetic girls" It was meant as SARCASIM in-case you are unsure of the meaning of SARCASIM then feel free to ask your parents to borrow money to purchase a dictionary. You remember those right .. you used one in school but perhaps you were the boy who sat in the back of the room trying to hide the fact that you used the pages to wipe your sorry ass. smiles
First of all; I understand that you weren't calling your own daughter pathetic, although you are obviously an unintelligent, rude person, I wouldn't go so far as to assume that you are a poor parent. I am simply pointing out the obvious fact that you are just basically disagreeing with my article on absolutely no factual grounds besides your daughter's musical preferences.
However, I would strongly suggest, that before you go out on a limb and attempt to mock someone for their lack of knowledge of the English language, you may want to consider getting a dictionary yourself and looking up the words you are trying to make your point with.
Sarcasm (NOT SarcasIm): the use of irony to mock or convey contempt.
Impressive attempt, come again soon, and thank you for continuing to give this blog traffic.
my dear.. my mis spelling was yet another mockery. It was meant as a futher insult to you. The mis-spelling was on purpose. It sort of tied in with the point I made with the use of the dictionary. However, yet again the point was missed on you. Also, I might also say in addition. My daughter is not the only one who likes this bad. I do... in fact.. I love them. Too bad im not 15 again like you. much love.. xxoo
ok so sue me.. band not bad.. LMAO .. ok that mistake I will admit. However, the other was a mock on your dictionary skills. night babies.
Here's the problem, I considered giving you the benefit of the doubt of intentionally mis-spelling 'sarcasm', but since all of your previous posts were essentially baseless attacks against my intelligence, my appearance, and my abilities in general, I assumed that someone with such a childish approach to argumentation couldn't possibly make a witty comment.
And just as a point of reference, I'm not 15... and even if I were, I still wouldn't like such a crappy band as the Jonas Brothers. As always, thanks for your support!!
bellababe, you are so wrong.
She doesn't just suck any dick...she sucks DONKEY DICK!
I agree with your report POPStaff, I'm not the biggest Jonas Fan actually I can't stand their music. they sing like they are trying to blow something out their nose.
I will admit that the biggest pet peeve of mine with the "Joe Bro's" and their cohort, Hannah Montana, as my corrupted little cousins affectionately call them, is that there never seems to be a positive message behind their shows and music. It would be refreshing for a change to have Hannah and the Bro's send a message that encourages positive values and an example of good decision making.
And mocking isn't polite so lets try to keep that to a minimum.
YAY!!! BLOGGING!!!!
Thank you G!
We appreciate your support and I especially agree with your point about the message. Just today I was with one of my younger cousins, a little girl, and in discussing music and television that she likes, I realized the lack of positive influences in her life. Although my childhood days were just a decade ago, it seems like a forgotten past where there was such a thing as artists and forms of entertainment that were knowingly naive in a sense, extremely hopeful, perfectly 'cheesy', and meant for kids to enjoy and learn something good from.
And of course, I also do not condone the aggressive insults on this article.
Thanks again!
After reading this little battle i checked out some jb on youtube and it is true, I could see how their glossy image and happy pop songs could anger pretentious hipsters like yourselves. However, the truth of the matter is that their music isn't any "worse" than that of your carefully selected "indie" artists, its just targeted to a different demographic, namely little kids (and, as this thread shows, sometimes their parents).
There is no lack of musical ability, that Jonas boy is a great singer (who has been on broadway since he was like 2) and the songs have been crafted by the best writers in the business (Desmond Child, Billy Mann, etc), to appeal to millions of people who simply are not you.
Is there not something bitingly pathetic about two largely unsuccessful musicians (you know who im talking about) who spend their time complaining online about other, more successful musicians, instead of working towards making their own music suck less?
If you're thinking that this is going to turn into some little blog war you're sadly mistaken, as I spend my time working to be a better musician, not bitching to cyberspace.
De gustibus non est disputandum (you tools).
I appreciate your well thought out response, and I definitely find your earlier points completely valid. It is disappointing, however, that you ended up stooping to the very low that you are accusing us of committing. Instead of 'working on your music' like you claim to be doing, you are instead mocking our work, just the same way we have been critical of The Jonas Brothers.
Also, as a note, the fact that their songs are 'crafted' by people other than themselves, is one aspect of their music that we are extremely critical of. I would definitely have more respect for them if there was some personal originality to their work.
As for our work as musicians vs. our work as critics, let me first say that I'm not sure where you came up with the idea that we have ever claimed ourselves to be any better than a professional band. Calling our actions 'pathetic' is simply to mock the entire field of critical writing and reviewing in general, not really making any points about what we're saying.
Every day people are critical of politicians, musicians, film makers, and essentially anyone in the public eye. This act does not imply a claim of personal superiority, but rather an opinion based on an internal conception of what is or is not good.
It is very convenient for you to call us pathetic and claim that you're not interested in joining our little 'war', but may I remind you that our criticism of the Jonas Brothers was in no way a personal attack against you, but on the contrary, you have come here and made a personal attack against us. How easy it is to be critical of others behind the veil of anonymity and self-righteousness.
Please do an article on how Miley Cyrus sucks ass, it would certainly make my day. You're actually one more person in this world who makes sense when ranting.
haha, thanks so much for the support and for the idea, I definitely have wanted to write about her, all of her personas, and everything else that is absurd about her image and her music. You'll be seeing an article soon for sure.
this article made me pissed off. what's the point of being a critic if you don't have the credentials to critique? What are your bitter rants going to do anyway? Popsense hasn't exactly been successful at catapulting indie bands to worldwide fame...maybe you should start with that, instead of knocking down bands that are already well on their way.
So, only someone with the popularity level to promote a band to 'worldwide fame' is qualified to critique a piece of music? I think that's a little bit of a ridiculous requirement. We're telling a story and discussing why an extremely popular band is not of our liking. The 'bitterness' of our review is meant in a humorous nature, and I'm not sure what exactly is so personally frustrating about a website that isn't world-renowned after a few months of existence, merely discussing a distaste. What is it "going to do"? Provide entertainment and an opinion based on a certain conception of music. But I guess if one needs to possess the ability to propel the unknown into international greatness in order to legitimately express public thought, then yes, we have yet to meet those standards.
Not only does she suck donkey dick, all JBrosFans drink buckets of donkey come.
well, im a fifteen year old girl who is completely in love with the jonas brothers, but im not about to fight you about whether they are a good band or not. After all, it's all just a matter of judgement and what sort of music is appealing to you. Although I don't believe you should be insulting or demeaning to any of their fans because to us, the jonas brother are the greatest thing since sliced bread. I mean seriously, a disney band with three attractive and talented boys. You've probably had a lot more exposure to music and have a developed taste for what sorts of music you like, so it's understandable why you would not like them.
mmmm but I support the idea for a miley cyrus article :)
Cool, I can definitely appreciate that. In our attempts to be witty, we often forget that we're dealing with real intelligent people (like yourself) that don't reflect some stereotype we've created in our heads. Thank you for your comment!
I have a few things to say about the Jonas Brothers. I believe that they are extraordinaly untalented. Being a guitarist for a local band and someone that is very in-tune with musical talent I can assure you that they are not even a band but a market. Their songs feature nothing but basic drum beats and rhythm's with little to no fills and their guitar work features a million power chords and extremely basic one to two string solos. Their bass guitar is a basic guitar backing to fill the music more as it plays out and their singer has no vocal range nor does he have any heart in his music. The Jonas Brothers like most other pop bands that gained their clame to fame have other writers, not themselves mind you, write music for them so they can take their expensive clothes and (questionable) attractiveness, I personally think they are not attractive at all and they really look quite ugly but I wont get into that. As we take a look back into the years and compare talent levels of singers like Freddie Mercury and Axl Rose and Robert Plant and many other memorable singers of our time we realize that they pour their hearts out into their music and their vocal tone and range is extraordinary. I am a fan of many different music styles but I do know that I can recite Sweet Child o' Mine and Bohmenian Rhapsody and Stairway to Heaven all the way through as if it was Holy Scripture. I know I will never remember a single Jonas Brother's song more than a few lines in a year or two because like all pop bands, they will go under- See: Hanson, N'Sync, Backstreet Boys. If you take talented guitarists such as Eddie Van Halen and Kirk Hammett and Buckethead, you will be assured you will never hear the same thing out of the guitar of those three artists. They all have their own style, but it's not the same. The Jonas Brothers have songs, all power chords or simple chords rarely passing the 3rd fret. Their soloing is poor at best and all out it required little to no talent to play, believe me, I play guitar and can play every single Jonas Brothers song that I've ever tried but when I try to play the outro solo for "Paradise City" or the solo for the song "Eruption" I make numerous mistakes. It takes talent to lay down complicated licks and riffs and the Jonas Brothers lack all talent in the guitar area, bass included. Their drum beats are all the same and very simple so I'm not going to get into that either. To be considered Good, believe me I know good as I have a Ph.D. in Philosophy one must do something outstanding or involving real talent and much of it. The Jonas Brothers do basic things and because they have money and they get their faces on tv people buy their stuff. They put no heart into their music-A. because they dont write it, and B. because all they care about is the money they get. They choose not to write legendary songs like we have seen in the past and all recognize when we hear the radio playing one of Led Zeppelin's greats. But these songs are only to sell CD's, Clothes, and merchandise. Nobody in this day and age looks past what they hear in the music. If it's a song and people say, "Jonas Brothers are in, they'll buy into the market and become one with the fad (believe me, my girlfriend bought the uglies pair of boots I have ever seen in my life and she's told me they were "In" as well. The marketing of Three faces and a few songs makes a band popular, sure, but it will never make them good. If you brough each member of the band into a duel with a member of a known band they would all lose. Singer vs. Axl Rose we have a slaughterhouse. Guitarist Vs. Eddie Van Halen. I don't even want to get in to that. Drummer Vs. Neil Pert. Pert would literally drum in circles around him. And take the bassist and throw him against Flea (Red Hot Chili Peppers) you'll have another wipe out. The Jonas Brothers should not be compared to legendary bands of our time nor should a group of talentless teenagers that are marketed to a point where it covers the shittiness of their music ever be considered a good band.
Wow, some bitter fans here. Most of you are young and will look back on this in X amount of years and see how poor this music actually is. You might even feel a bit of disgust at how a group of people were able to create an image that you, and thousands of others, poured money and support into. Face it, the Jonas Brothers are really just a marketing ploy, bussiness. Music was never the idea, but rather creating something that would make lots of money. Who ever these people are have succeded in their efforts, and are probably laughing as well.
Face it, the Jonas Brothers are no different then the Backstreet Boys, Pussy Cat dolls or Britany Spears, they are just targeted to a different artist.
And for the mom(s?) here who feel so strongly about the issue, do your children, and yourselves, a favour and stop allowing this sort of thing to infultrate the minds of our young. With all the truly brilliant things going on in both the sciences and arts its almost a crime that people like the jonas Brothers are getting so much attention.
the jonas brothers suck like no one has ever fucking sucked before, the only reason they are so popular is because of their looks which attracts retarded girls to go for that, without any talent, thats how this world is, going for looks and not the talent, and thats just how it is for them, and that even explains why they won the worst album, worst singer, AND worst band award either yesterday or the day before THEY SUCK LIKE SHIT and u can't even argue against that their music is garbage, a disgrace to rock they shud go into modelling if nething
Guess what! We now have official proof that they really do suck! They won worst band and worst album at this year's NME awards, good thing the British aren't afraid to bash em
http://www.nme.com/news/jonas-brothers/43000 :D
the Jonas brothers are the most untalented music group ever. i am 14 and can play guitar 10 times better then them. i dont see why girls my age are so obsessed with them.