Thank You Miley Cyrus
Special Guest Post by Meriam Raouf
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Words can barely do justice to the amazing amount of pop-nonsense that you’ve brought to my life. I am trying only to watchSpongeBob in peace and enjoy his silly humor that so many claim is “satirical”, when your stupid commercial comes on. I thank you so much for bringing justice to the many girls in their tweens who want to feel good about themselves. Thank You for proving them wrong. Although you had nothing to do with the writing of it, I have to thank you for your most recent song (I doubt it’s legally even a song, more like an ungenuine* mix of previously created things). In your inspiring song called “Seven Things” you have not only convinced them that their lives revolve only around boys, but that they only exist in relation to men. Thanks for using words like “intertwined” when the destroyed girls crying in your video are only about ten!
And not only is the song the greatest thing I’ve ever heard, a disaster of music that damages my existence, it has such a creative title! I think if you Google “ten things I hate about you” you might find a movie with Julia Stiles that was made before you were ever born. I know, it’s weird that there was a time before you existed.
It’s great that even though you have trouble pretending you can make music you can use old music like “Sunglasses at Night” put to lyrics of old movies you’ve probably never seen, you still manage to produce crap for our viewing and masturbating pleasure. But who am I kidding? You probably had almost nothing to do with the making of that song anyway. I just feel bad for Cory Hart. He wrote that back in 1984 (that’s pronounced nineteen eighty four so you know) and you copied it and made more money (I think you know what that is, it’s that green shit that allows you to buy more slutty clothing).
Not only have you provided terrible music in my life, but you’re also making money off of it! Good for you. (which your “dad” probably uses to buy more fake mustaches.) I’m so glad you’re maybe one of the worst role models and pop stars I’ve ever seen. Your music is completely painful in the way that it possesses so little creativity in lyrics (the words, honey) and even less so in music.
And just when you have all these little girls loyally following you, and crying in your music videos, you have merchandise. DAMN! Nothing like some good old materials to fill the void that they have because of the no-boyfriends they have right now. So now, because these girls are feeling bad because they’re chubby or because their noses aren’t shaped like the one on your sad excuse for a face, they’re crying. But the Hannah Montana (I LOVE that you have multiple names! I’ll thank you for that later dear) Kleenex box will be helpful in making her feel better. If not, she can always play with her Hannah Dawn Cyrus Michael Jackson Montana Miley Destiny Hope dolls!
I must thank you for being a washed out version of Britney Spears. Thanks so much for changing into a slut while millions of adoring fans (mostly pedophiles and little girls. nice demographic!) watch you do it. You took advantage of Disney by slowly making the ever-famous and smooth transition from child star to slutty excuse for an actress.
Now, as promised, I will thank you for your million names. You’ve introduced a whole generations to crappy songs about nothing. They will later be embarrassed when they still have them memorized. So, just when they think you’re a child star, you’re a slut, and vice versa. So if they weren’t already confused about your identities, you have like 8 million equally disgusting names to even further confuse them. You talk about how secure you are (you should be, you’re perfect) and yet you keep hiding from yourself. You have many identities, and just as many wigs (if not more) and you know what would really help? Playing with your dolls! Or you know what would help more? Pouring out your heart in another teen magazine! And another naked picture to boot!
Not only do we get to find out about you in magazines, shows, posters and annoying concerts with the Jonas brothers, but now you have the nerve to bash other Disney stars on YouTube (Demi Lovato of Camp Rock, & Selena Gomez of Wizards of Waverly Place). Thanks so much for proving you’re not even a little close to funny when without the Disney writers backing you up. It’s so great that you feel you can have a scotch (who are we kidding, you’re more of an apple martini kinda girl) and get on YouTube to bash others! What a role model! Shows all that confidence you were talking about.
Thank you so much for all that you do. You may be only a banana peel on a giant pile of shit the media creates to distract us from the real news, but it’s helping honey! Thank you so much! For pretending to be real! For it all! And thanks for wasting my time and thought as I wrote about this! I couldn’t help it, I love you that much.