Dave Goldman STAFF WRITER

Alice in Beautiful Land?

As I’m sitting here enjoying some delicious Disco Biscuits before a little wacky tobacky, I realize two things: 1) I have an absolutely wonderful tale for my friends at PopSense to read, and 2) if I don’t write it down, I will forget it in 20 minutes anyway.

Anyway, I was on a walk last night with some friends and, of course, as always my good looks do, they got hungry. Well I know you’re all expecting me to tell you how gooey and warm my Tacobell was, however, last night The God of Taco Goodness was not with me. Where to go? The Rat. Which is a sort of crappy bar on campus that doesn’t actually serve alcohol, figures. Anyway, my nose goes into overdrive as I try to detect what my options are (its better to buy food by smelling it and not looking at it here).

Viola! Quesadillas! I order my food from a big scary guy named Kareem, which is funny because my friend who I was standing next to, is also named Kareem. So big Kareem saw almost-as-big Kareem motion to me, and assumed we were just asshole students. Immediately, he fucked with me:

“Watchu need”

“Just a quesadilla”

“Alright, what else”

“A Gatorade?”

At which point big Kareem proceeds to pull the “and then...” scene from dude wheres my car. Eventually, I caught on and decided that I only needed one Gatorade and that the five bags of chips I had been conned into needed to be put back.

Anyway, time for the story. It just so happens that our table is facing the TV, and on that TV just so happened to be the new episode of Heroes. Yes, I know, I thought exactly what your thinking now: “Wait Dave, you're good-looking, obviously you can only watch shows like The Hills or Laguna Beach!” I agree with you wholly. Shows like these are made for one reason - they are brain-dead, and the casts are very, very good-looking. I mean c’mon, I’d even be seen in public with these people, and I’m exclusive as hell!

The colors, however, were awesome! Unlike the crap I was used to watching, this “Heroes” show had a plot, it had visual effects and, most of all, explosions! Now, if you have ever indulged in “nature’s gift,” you know that explosions ROCK! And this, my friend, is a problem.

I knew the entire time how much I didn’t want to watch this show, but I couldn’t stop. There was even a character for me. That’s right, the good-looking guy. At this point I was outraged! Everybody was blaming him! Were not supposed to think - we can’t be blamed for our actions! The heroes squad should have known not to entrust him on much more than banging Super Hoe or something.

Anyway, point of this story? Well, the Disco Biscuits rock.

If you think pimpin' ain't easy, just imagine The Downside of Being Beautiful