Melissa Schrettner STAFF WRITER

Everyone knows what parachute pants are. However, some of us know them better by the name of ‘MC Hammer pants,’ or ‘Aladdin pants.’ One quick look at these trousers and it is quite obvious: due to their roomy nature, parachute pants must be incredibly comfortable. But for the hipper than hip, is the parachute pant fashionably acceptable?

First, a little history of the parachute pant. Originally known as the “harem pant” because the garment happens to originate in the Middle East, parachute pants became extremely popular in the 1980s due to a general love of breakdancing. Extremely baggy and often made of nylon (delicious!), parachute pants made it easy for one to wiggle one’s tush whilst getting jiggy with it. Perhaps, though, you are thinking, 'I don’t breakdance—where does this leave me? Can I wear parachute pants?'

Well, if you happen to be an MC, you’re in luck! In the late 80s and early 90s, MC Hammer made parachute pants famous and generally accepted among the MC-ing profession. Because Hammer was an amazing MC-slash-dreamboat, his frequent use of such pants became quickly accepted into popular culture, and they received the nickname of ‘Hammer Pants.’ People on the street began wearing these bottoms in yellow, red, gold, whatever, just to be like MC Hammer.

Now, if I recall correctly—and I do—both Aladdin and Jasmine rocked Hammer Pants in the film that launched their careers as worldwide celebrities: the aptly titled Aladdin. And I don’t know about you, but I totally had a crush on Aladdin, parachute pants and all, so one would think that these flowing, blubbly bottoms would be the most sought-after things on the planet and that I’d have them at the top of my Christmas wish list. While I didn’t ask for any this year, I’m sure I did when I was 5 as Jasmine was always pretty cool in my book and I so badly wanted to be a Disney princess.

Aladdin and Hammer, it would seem, are setting a trend! Parachute pants have been cropping up on the runway recently, anywhere from Dior Homme to 3.1 Philip Lim. For those of you that don’t know, those fashion labels are kind of a big deal. So anyways, designers are cranking them out like no other because some of them seem to think that the skinny pant is overdone, overused, and just over in general. Every fashion blog that you can go to has some sort of Hammer Pants article featuring them in satin and silk, adorned with buttons and crystals and beads and happiness.

So clearly, popular culture is accepting of these pants in at least the broadest sense of the word. Everyone is familiar with parachute pants. I defy you to tell me that you have no clue who Aladdin is, or that you think you can, in fact, touch this. You can’t; it’s simply not possible. The parachute pant has weaseled its way into our childhood hearts, and now with the price tag accompanying these big-name designers, parachute pants are weaseling their way into our wallets.

But how does one wear parachute pants without looking completely and utterly ridiculous? The answer is simple—you don’t. No matter how hip or how out-there or how trend-setting you believe yourself to be, I am telling you this now to help you avoid future complications: you look stupid in those pants. Your best bet is to put them back on the rack or, if you have already purchased a pair as the result of a momentary lapse of judgment, hide them in the deepest, darkest corners of your closet. It’s for your own sake that I tell you this. Please don’t take it personally; everyone looks stupid in those pants.

I’m sorry, but I don’t make the rules.


MC Hammer - Can't Touch This.mp3
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