Dave Goldman STAFF WRITER

Ok long time no see, that must be hard for you. I’d miss my face too if I didn’t have a mirror. Well its time for a long, long overdue article and readers wait no longer for I have cometh! (For those of you having the pleasure for the first time, you may want to catch yourselves up so you know what the hell I'm talking about)

Now there is something very aggravating that comes with my perfect bone structure and swagger. The problem is of course, ABERFUCKINGCROMBIE. Now perhaps I don’t mean Abercrombie in particular, but brands of the sort. Case and point: Abercrombie shirts that say “Super cliché name’s guitar store!” Well you can imagine that this may or may not be annoying. For your O.A.R going Birkenstock wearing bro, that’s SWEET DUDE! But for your trendy beautiful (yours truly) it has been nothing short of a burden since I bought my first Ramones shirt in the 6th grade. Yep I still have it. It’s that black one with the seal of America with Joey and bunch scribbled around the border. Pure sex. Well, the issue here is that through the bro fashion companies (Abercrombie, Hollister, American Eagle, etc), who we’ll refer to the Big Bro Companies, have left us to be destroyed.You see, this has gotten bad enough to the point where you can walk into Macy’s , which is actually a pretty kickass store, or hot topic, which totally isn’t, and find the same shirt.

The reason shirts like that are so damn cool is because you either A) spent forever trying to find it, or B) sat by the window, twiddling your thumbs for two weeks, waiting for it to arrive in the mail. For instance, do you remember when skate shoes were THE SHIT?! The wider your shoe was the cooler you were. These things were like ski boots. Well I wanted a different shoe. I wanted a pair of converse, which were also, and still are, to a much lesser degree, the bomb diggity. However I had a vision, I was not going to buy black, blue, red, flames, palm trees, none of that crap I wanted to be oooooldschool. I wanted off-white. Well there was a problem. I COULDN’T FIND THEM! Yes I’m aware, don’t say it. “Why didn’t you just order them at Bloomingdales or footlocker, or duuuuh converse.com?” Well to you I say, get back in Abercrombie you dickface. So sadly I bought the black ones, which were still kickass but they were no off-white.

Anyway, sophomore year in college, about 7 years later, having completely forgotten about them, there they were. I was passing “Finish Line” when I saw it there on its little shoe shelf in all its glory. At which point I almost choked on my hot dog. Immediately, I walked in, almost scared at first. What if they didn’t have my size, could I handle the heartbreak again? My overflowing anxiety grew as I said “C-c-c-can I see these in a t-t-ten please?”

One minute, nothing she had not returned, 4 minutes , 6, 10. At last there she was, the shoe helper person, but what’s this!? No shoe box? “Well you see the only 10 we have is the one that was on display I cant find the other one.” Sadly I walked out. But something caught my eye, there it was in all its glory on the foot of a mannequin THE OTHER SIZE 10! Anyway, years and years after the shoe isn’t cool anymore, guess what, I’m going to be sporting some very outdated, very sexy off-white converse. And ya’know what, ill keep them for a very long time.

So what does this have to do with being really really ridiculously goodlooking? (sorry saw Zoolander last night). Let this one line sum everything up: “Oh dude, nice shoes, I got the same one.” And as the kid lifted up his jeans to reveal where the logo should rest . . . Son of a bitch, same damn shoe with a different logo - fuck, it's Abercrombie.