Jeffrey Luppino-Esposito EDITOR

Attending UVA grants me a very special privilege-- I get to walk around and feel damn unique every single day...because I am not one of them. Before I take this any further, let me preface by saying that this is not going to be a diatribe on how a vast majority of the males sport khakis, boat shoes, popped collars and Northfaces while the women wear a new magical brand of makeup that transforms their faces to all look like Vanna White. No no, regardless of the truth jampacked into the previous statement, I do not claim to be somehow more 'hip' because half my closet is a thick flannel from the Salvation Army Spring Collection, or because I know that Animal Collective isn't the name of a new political party running on a strong pro-communism/beastiality platform. On the contrary, today I come with news of a little something commonly known as 'Greek Life'. The thick scent of axe pervades the chilly winter air as we enter a very special time for little boys (and girls) scurrying around grounds in a desperate search for a bunch of meaningless letters by which they can identify themselves and find a greater purpose in life through 'brotherhood'.

There are few establishments of higher education in our fine nation that provide a more vibrant 'Greek' society than Mr. Jefferson's University of Virginia. I believe it was actually TJ himself who first said, "If you're not wasted, the night was". Why report on this now? Well, it's 'rush' season, as I mentioned earlier, the time of year where a bunch of young brolings with no common interest other than gettin shwasty face with bizatches come together in search of the perfect group of fraternity boys to shove broom sticks up their asses for the next few months during 'pledge' so they can do the same next year and the beautiful cycle continues. Harsh? Maybe. Are there exceptions? Of course, in fact, my dear roommate Sam Beaver (pictured above in stunning Brooks Brothers' plaid) is a great man and a proud brother at Sigma Nu. But 'exceptions' remains the key word. (I have another roommate named Sam in a frat, and he's just a dick. Ha, kidding, love you Peppy, just didn't want to do a photo shoot with you because it would end up taking over 3 hours)

As I said, UVA is the Mecca of Broism, Charlottesville is home to famous Caliph Dave Matthews, and for those of you who follow ABC Family regularly (not me, I'm still pissed that they cut 'State of Grace') you may actually be more familiar with UVA Greek life then you think.

Go ahead, type 'Greek' into Google, you'll see that the first result isn't the language of one of the greatest civilizations ever to exist on Earth, but rather the link to ABC Family's new hit show "Greek". Now, whether or not this is a product of Google being a bunch of sold-out, monopolizing bastards is irrelevant to my point, so I'll glaze over that probable answer and go on with using this as viable evidence to support my claims. Two of the writers of the series are actually UVA alum, and the show is loaded with subtle references to Rugby Road and the like. In other words-- if ABC Family thinks our Greek scene is legit, then you better shut yo' mouth and accept it.

What this means for those of us who don't enjoy standing on line for a warm Natty Light while having your leg humped by a dog (sorority chick), is that for the next few weeks we're going to have to hear about every goddamn rush event, and the amount of dick that our friends had to suck to pay 800 dollars to sit around on a vomit-covered couch with a bunch of assholes they vaguely know. God, why does this anger me so much?

I think it's more a sense of responsibility than anything else. It is my duty to tell any and all of you reading this that you can make friends without man-flirting and spending more of your parents' money. Fraternities are not a way to network yourself (no one will give you a job if they know that you lived in a dirty house with the same letters painted on the side of it). And, maybe most importantly, it's approximately 6 degrees outside right now, please just stay inside.
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