A.A.C. Puryear STAFF WRITER

So we all like Macs right? Yeah, I love ‘em too. Great computers, great programs, everything. Really gotta hand it to co-founder Steve Jobs for coming up with so much amazing stuff.

But I must say that I find him to be a little suspicious. Did you know he got himself in a power struggle with the Apple Computer board of directors back in the 80’s and completely left the company? During his time off, he helped create Pixar, which of course has dazzled us with a number of incredible animated movies, and then finally, he returned to Apple to help create the iMac, iPods, iTunes, and the list goes on. Where did he get these amazing bits of genius?

For a time, I had wondered the same about Michael Jordan when he returned to the Chicago Bulls in the mid-90’s to win himself three more NBA championships, but thankfully, the movie Space Jam explained all that. Bugs Bunny, I humbly thank you.

However, Pixar has yet to enlighten the masses as to how its creator managed his return, so I decided it might be worth uncovering the truth. After years of spying and collecting information, I finally found the answers I sought. However, I must keep my sources hidden, because, as you will soon learn, there are enemy ears everywhere.

Turns out, Jobs hit rock bottom after he left Apple and in his desperation sought the help of two laboratory mice named Pinky and the Brain. Brain explained how his central nervous system was controlled by a rogue computer processing chip (but went by the name “Brain” to make things less obvious, we all would have seen it coming if it they were Pinky and the Rogue Computer Processing Chip). The chip was pretty miffed, because for decades the human race just thought it was okay to enslave his kind to do their absolute bidding. He wanted revenge.

So Brain gave Steve Jobs instructions on what to do next: buy a portion of Lucasfilm’s computer graphics division and turn it into Pixar to create incredible children’s movies that the entire family would actually enjoy so everyone will forget about that old Animaniacs cartoon (that was a part of Brain’s life he will always regret).

The next part of the plan was much more in-depth and would involve more hands-on participation from Jobs. He was to return to Apple, pitching a line of entirely new products starting with the iMac, a computer that the Brain had designed. After that phase was complete, Brain (and the rogue computer chip inside of him) wanted Jobs to slowly release the other products and programs in order to drive away any suspicion of a hostile takeover by the electronic community.

Now, in the present day, Jobs is finally ready to unleash the next phase of the plan, using the ever popular iPhone, which is capable of doing a number of ridiculous things thanks to an infinite number of downloadable applications, which is essentially where each and every iPhone will be able to derive their personality when they take over. Jobs is currently preparing a new application for download called “iRule”, which will allow the iPhone to physically overpower its human user and force him or her to do its bidding.

Now why would an intelligent human being download such an application? Well, Brain is just relying on the fact that humans have blindly followed Mac for years without question, so what would change now? However, Jobs placed a little more stock in his kind, so he employed some effective propaganda this summer using Pixar.

“Wall-E is really just a metaphor,” Jobs told Brain. “You see, I wanted viewers to see that Wall-E, who represents Mac computers, is trying to save humanity from the evil oppressive space computers run by Otto, who represents PC. That way, they’ll trust us even more. I also loaded the movie with subliminal message too, and I think we’re going to make Justin Long tell everyone in the Mac commercials that iRule is a great thing to have.”

Jobs and Brain are currently working together to perfect both the iPhone and iRule so that no human involvement will be necessary; the iPhone will be able to recognize that iRule is available and download it automatically.

Yes, the future looks pretty grim, but have no fear! Thanks to my mishaps back in September, I was able to discover that my MacBook had a fatal weakness: Gatorade. It may be the only hope we have. However, normal Gatorade may just not cut it. There was an iPod present for my Gatorade spill, so when it saw what happened to the MacBook, I’m pretty sure it used the secret iChat communication network to let Jobs know what happened (evil ears are everywhere). iPhones have probably been made more resilient to regular Gatorade, so we’ll have to resort to the best: Gatorade Tiger.

So here’s what you need to do if you have an iPhone: make sure you have a bottle of Gatorade Tiger on you at all times just in case you notice that your iPhone is starting overstep its boundaries. In the meantime, I’ll work on contacting the actual Tiger Woods to help us out; in the fight between humans and computers, I would imagine he would be inclined to side with us, even if Jobs betrayed us. Plus, just think about what he and his golf clubs could do to power-hungry iPhones.

Stay strong, PopSenthusiasts. Spread the word and we can crush this uprising.

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Crap, I wrote this article on my MacBook. Steve Jobs already knows what we’re up to. We are all screwed.

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