Sam Reeder STAFF WRITER

Do not pass go, do not collect $200, instead go fuck yourself. For those of you who haven’t been in a toy store recently, Hasboro, in order to prove that they are the kings of beating a dead hooker (horse), has released yet another edition of the game where you make your friends and family hate you: Monopoly. With more incarnations than the NOW That’s What I Call Music! CD series Monopoly is like that friend who doesn’t know when to let a joke die. The newest bastard child of original game is humbly titled Monopoly Here & Now: World Edition.

This edition replaces the nice familiar property titles with “the greatest cities from around the world,” and gives you a credit card and a mini ATM instead of that beautifully Technicolor monopoly cheddar (ebonics for ‘money’). Unfortunately the novelty of using “Daddy’s Plastic” to buy out entire cities wears off after about 5 minutes, and you are left to contemplate; who the fuck voted Montreal the greatest city in the world?! Seriously where did this voting take place? Hasboro pulled a fast one ladies and gentlemen, while we weren’t looking not only did Montreal get voted in, but so did Vancouver and Toronto. What the hell? Canada sucks. Everyone knows that… I mean shit, they gave birth to Avril Lavigne. So Canada has three cities on the board; America and Great Britain, they must have a lot as well. Wrong again. These voters must have been pants on head retarded. Each of these countries has one represented city: New York and London. I mean seriously, what the hell has Canada ever really contributed to world culture? As far as I’m concerned all Canada has ever done is been the hat that keeps America warm; and inspiration for the beautiful work of art that is South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut. The list of cities represented in this game is so skewed. Here it is, copied and pasted from our friends at Wikipedia:

• Dark Blue: Montreal, Riga
• Green: Cape Town, Belgrade, Paris
• Yellow: Oshawa, Hong Kong, Beijing
• Red: London, New York, Sydney
• Orange: Vancouver, Shanghai, Rome
• Magenta: Toronto, Kyiv, Istanbul
• Light Blue: Athens, Barcelona, Tokyo
• Brown: Taipei, Gdynia

Where the hell is Berlin? Or any German city for that matter? Where is Mumbai? And where the fuck is Gdynia? A later Google search showed me that Gdynia is a major seaport on the Gdansk Bay. Where the fuck is the Gdansk Bay? Turns out this is in Poland. Poland, if you remember is historically important in that it got wrecked repeatedly in World War II. Yet, neither of the countries that did the wrecking is represented in this game. They didn’t even have the dignity to replace a property as cool as Park Place with an awesome city. How many of you know where Riga is? It’s in Latvia, how many of you know where Latvia is? It’s in Eetschit, Hasboro. Bottom line: this game sucks harder than your mom when the rent’s due. Save yourself some money, dig around in your attic, find the original, have a great time forcing your parents into bankruptcy, and then play Monopoly.

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Your senses have been popped like you wouldn't believe. End of article