I want Julia Roberts to take me to Neverland. I don't think I'm alone.

Try walking past a playground without sensing the pangs of nostalgia in your side (is that nostalgia or just a Harry-Potter-esque swelling of my scars from getting my ass kicked by the kids who didn't think it was cool that I had choreographed a dance to R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" in 3rd grade?).

Despite these warm (?) feelings, no matter how hard we attempt to recreate the magic of childhood, some things never seem to fully translate. Especially the games.

Get some of your sober friends together to play hide and seek; watch how quickly you realize that everyone can see your fat ass standing behind that pathetic twig of a tree. Bust out your 'Candy Land' board, draw some cards, make a 'Charlie the Unicorn' joke when you get to Gum Drop Mountain, finish game. Sucks, right?

Not anymore.
I present to you: 5 Childhood Games That Used To Be Fun But Are Too Simple Now, Updated Accordingly So That They Can Be Fun Again (working title).

5. 'Guess Who?': Identity Crisis 2k9
Why it was fun: Not only did this game celebrate the Socratic method for the little philosopher in all of us, it positively encouraged us to judge people based on physical appearance. That's what I call a good time.
Why it sucks now: Way too easy. Does your person have facial hair? Is he/she wearing a hat? Bull shit, it's Bernard.
How we can fix it: Ask strictly abstract questions that have no direct correlation to physical appearance. Some popular possibilities could include, but wouldn't be limited to, "Is she a messy skank?", "Is he/she a member of the proletariat?", "Do you think he's gay??". If all else fails, you could always ask the one-question game-ender, "Would she ever let Bernard tie her up and tatoo 'dark queen of beauty' on her left ass cheek?" That's right Maria, I'm talking to you.


4. 'Duck Duck Goose': Having Friends Is Overrated
Why it was fun: Great cardio workout, also a fantastic opportunity to hit on that cute chick in class by 'goosing' her ass every single time. No one notices what you're up to you subtle dog you.
Why it sucks now: Being more than 3 feet tall/remembering to tie your shoes renders this game immediately obsolete. Once you 'goose' someone (assuming you give yourself the usual running headstart before you say 'goose') then you will be back in their place before they even get off their lazy ass.
How we can fix it: All players in the game have tasers. When you get chosen, you jump up and chase after the 'ducker' and shout racial obscenities/'your mom' jokes back and forth at one another until he/she either breaks down from emotional shame or someone lands a successful tasing. You continue to tase until the wounded player articulately shouts, "Don't tase me bro!". Now he's the goose.


3. 'Mouse Trap': Now What?
Why it was fun: Building that game took for-fucking-ever, so you never ended up actually playing it. This meant no one lost, which is always positive for communal kindergarten morale.
Why it sucks now: Still have no idea, haven't figured out how the game actually works.
How we can fix it: Try actually playing the game. Probably will discover it sucks. In which case, construct a life-size version of the game and set it up in front of Jessica Simpson's house. Film this and put it on YouTube. Achieve cultural glory.


2. The Ground Is Lava: Fear Factor 1992
Why it was fun: Extremely versatile game, could be played literally anywhere. Jump from one couch to another, bricks, piles of woodchip, you name it, and it could be the lava-free zone. Instilled a sense of fear in all of us. Molded strong, cautionary US citizens.
Why it sucks now: Your A.D.D. has calmed down and you have a memory span of more than 6 seconds. Accidentally fall off the chair, step on the ground, realize it's not lava-- somehow the stakes of the situation immediately plummet.
How we can fix it: Lots of great options with this one. Easiest/most obvious choice-- get some lava up in this piece. Second, yet equally-frightening possibility: Play the game at a frat house after a party. The ground is Gonorrhea!


1. 'Operation': Shit Just Got Real
Why it was fun: There was some sense of sick pleasure in the impending fear that at any moment you could accidentally touch the side of his organ-opening, the buzzing noise will go off, and you will vomit everywhere. This served as great prep for future assholes running pharmaceutical companies by allowing you to conceptualize the American Public as a bunch of helpless naked bodies.
Why it sucks now: The holes are definitely bigger than you remember, plus you haven't just eaten 4 bars of chocolates and drank 6 cans of coke, so you now have control over your body parts. Regardless, it also reminds you that you will inevitably disappoint your parents by never being a real doctor.
How we can fix it: My first thought is to somehow include Sock'em Boppers. Your first thought was that I would probably suggest performing these tweezer-style operations on real people. I'm trying to resolve the two but feel that the best option actually has to be combining Operation with every other game that made me really nauseous. Just imagine having to do Operation, Break the Ice, Topple, Jenga, Bop It, and that fucking game with the timer where you had to fit the shapes in the thing before it popped up and somehow I can't find the name of this shit on google. All at the same time. If this doesn't sound like a great afternoon to you, then you probably are just getting too old for this kind of thing. Sorry.

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