Let me get this out of the way: for a man of his stature, Dr. Manhattan has a miniscule member. We saw it in the movie (actually we saw Billy Crudup). We saw it the comic book. And now, 1,176 people have reached PopSense by searching “Dr. Manhattan naked” to catch a glimpse of the good doctor’s dong. One would imagine that this is the handy work of either Crudup fans, science fiction nerds, or, just as likely, Tom Cruise performing Scientology research. Whoever the culprits may be, one thing remains certain: Dr. Manhattan’s hoo-ha has struck a chord in the public’s consciousness.

The prospect of a muscular, blue-skinned scientist with godly powers is all too intriguing. He can melt tanks with the palm of his hands, disassemble a gun using pure will power, even transport to Mars - sans floo network. In fact, Dr. Manhattan is the only character of Allan Moore’s Watchmen with actual super powers. And the devoted citizens of the Internet couldn’t care less. What they’re thinking is, “if this blue dude is destroying tanks and shit, imagine how much he’s packing??” The 1,176 people who searched for this tidbit can tell you: “not much.”

At first, this information comes as a shock. Shouldn’t the he-man have a he-dick? Or more importantly, the age old, does size really matter? Dr. Manhattan would suggest no. Throughout the course of Watchmen, he insists on a wardrobe that makes Pamela Anderson look like a nun. The doctor likes it skimpy. At first, he wears a full body suit, which was issued by the government. Then, in 1964, he informs the pentagon that he will “no longer be wearing [the] full costume.” A.K.A. black undies and a black wife-beater. The next transition sees him don a thong to fight the Vietcong. By the mid-80’s our blue crusader is going buck wild like a hick on a holiday.

Dr. Manhattan knows his penis is small. But he doesn’t hide it. No, he embraces it. Blue balls jokes, allusions to Eiffel 65, comparisons to the Blue Man Group, or even cries of shock cannot dent this man’s pride. His genitals, though petite, are impenetrable. He always has a woman by his side. Both the Silk Spectre II and Silhouette, the sex-kittens of Watchmen, opened the junk in that box. And you know what? They loved it. Dr. Manhattan teaches us that a man should overshadow the size of his package – and never the other way around. It all comes down to confidence. You may fail in the bedroom, but thank your boisterous blue balls that you won’t fail at life.

-Stelios Phili

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