President Obama and House minority leader John Boehner came to a bipartisan agreement yesterday on what should be done to solve the current worldwide economic crisis. The idea, which has been lauded by both sides as everything from brilliant to fiscally revolutionary to “fucking retarded," is to distribute Apollo 13 sized spaceships to each and every American family, free of charge, so that they can start new small business on earth and beyond. The measure, which has been deemed drastic by some, is said by the Administration to be the perfect way to simultaneously “create massive amounts of aerospace manufacturing jobs” and “realize the goal of a self contained ultra-human American space colony on Mars."

In a striking display of support for free markets and the importance of manifest destiny, the president was quoted saying that “I don’t want to limit the ingenuity or economic options of our small business owners in any way, including being limited by the finite natural resources of this planet. I want them to be able to innovate anywhere, anytime, and to the greatest extent possible”. Mr. Boehner echoed these statements by saying that “We need to forget about injecting capital into failing banking institutions, and focus instead on injecting liquid hydrogen into the fuel chambers of tens of thousands of enormous personal spaceships. This is the only way we can progress into the 21st century.”

Questions have arisen regarding the impact this bill would have on president Obama’s environmental policy, as well as the seeming total acceptance of a huge government spending program by republicans across the board.This has, of course, stirred considerable controversy in some parts of the country. There are some small sects of individuals who, we are told, have become wandering ascetics in protest of the bill that they call an “orgy of unnecessary materialism."

Sources also tell us, however, that there are a number of radical government pseudo-sympathizers who are exploiting the president’s bill as an opportunity to further their own separatist agenda. They are, we are told, ready and willing to cede from the United States of America to make a “Confederate Planets of the Solar System," or CPSS, should the bill be passed into law. The most common response given by CPSS supporters (who, in a related study, were found to possess 4 hemp ponchos more, per household, than other citizens on average, as well as be more dedicated Star Trek fans and ardent advocates of marijuana legalization), when asked to justify their separatist views, was that that “we aren’t thinking big enough. The future is like, here, man. We need to stop being so close minded, you know, and try to, like, embrace what everybody says. Mother Earth isn’t the only, like, galactic parental deity around, you know?” The most optimistic and vocal supporters of the CPSS movement have already begun calling themselves ‘Amarsicans’ to demonstrate their support for the intergalactic revolution that they expect to take place as a result of Boehner and Obama’s Spaceship Stimulus Bill, should it be signed into law.The question of its efficacy, however, is left to you.

~JMo

READ MORE FROM JASON MOREIRA!

Subscribe to PopSense via feed or email, or friend us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter for free updates!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of article, view comments-