…Well Maybe it is the Size of the Beard: A far too informative and critical analysis of hair in professional sport
By Simon Svirnovskiy

Please take a moment to guess, without peeking below, the occupation or societal role that the man in this picture plays. I’ll give you a moment to deliberate while you hum the “Jeopardy” theme music in your head. Time’s up.

With a beard that would best befit a lumberjack, woodland hunter or even a venerable puma, Chris Mason is the starting goaltender for the St. Louis Blues hockey club. The Blues are currently on a remarkable run that has seen them climb for last place in their conference just two months ago to qualifying for the playoffs last week. And, while it is clear that their play has picked up in the latter half of their season, one must also take note of the influence that Mason’s facial hair has had on the club.

This is Chris Mason as seen at the beginning of the year. While a commendable goatee comfortably grazes his chin, this facial décor cannot possibly hope to be seated in the same upscale restaurant as his current wear. As such, Mason struggled mightily at the start of the year, falling to a record of three wins and thirteen losses. Since growing and expanding his chin pillow, however, he has enjoyed a record of twenty three wins and just eight losses.

Hockey teams are famous for the concept of the playoff beard. The stated goal is to build solidarity as a team – to refuse the razor as a collective until the team either wins the Stanley Cup or until it is eliminated. As such, the ritual shave following the end of the season is either one of ecstasy (shaving cream being lathered on slowly using a wash bowl, Queen’s “We are the Champions” roaring in approval in the background and a citrus scented candle on the counter beside you) or of shame (several quick dry cuts until the hair is gone, replaced with blood and small cuts to remind you of what you must do next season).

The logic has also followed, then, that those who refuse to sacrifice their good looks to the hungry and vengeful hockey Gods and fail to grow a playoff beard will achieve little success on the ice. However, this theory has been extended to those poor hockey players who simply don’t have the capacity to grow enough facial hair to rival an Alaskan Grizzly. Take, for instance, the case of last year’s Stanley Cup finals. The Detroit Red Wings met with the Pittsburgh Penguins to determine the Cup’s home for the coming year. Shown here are each team’s premier offensive players – Sidney Crosby of the Penguins and Henrik Zetterberg of the Red Wings. Take a moment to scan these pictures and pick, without cheating, who won.

Without fail, Zetterberg’s “40% of the face or nothing!” look outlasted Crosby’s “I’m only 21 years old… it’s the best I can do!” chin-strap, 4 games to 2.

Truly the best example of the power of hair in hockey can be attributed to the 2006 finals and Mike Commodore. Commodore, though a Canadian, truly has no business being on skates in the NHL or any other professional league. And yet, with a look like this, it’s no surprise that his Hurricanes team won the title.

Indeed, Commodore went on to license and patent his “Head Beard Afro” (no joke, the look-alike product exists) and possesses the unique but valuable talent of having facial hair the EXACT red tint of both his afro and his team’s colors. Compare that snapshot from the 2006 finals to today and we see that as the beard, hair and color coordination has subsided, so too has his performance on the ice and his team’s success.




The influence of hair in sport is hardly unique to professional hockey. Though the sport of the ice has taken the lead in hair-related superstition, other sports have followed suit and enjoy similar success. The 2006 Soccer World Cup, for instance, feature Italy and France in the finals. Italy was led by keeper Gianluigi Buffon, who sports the world’s most attractive “guido” hairstyle and sideburns to match. France’s goalkeeper, Fabien Barthez, is bald and, at best, can be seen with a 5 o’clock shadow. If you’ve been reading carefully, I don’t even have to tell you who won.

In baseball, as well, we can look to the game’s most storied rivalry to see the impact that body hair has had on the play in the field. The New York Yankees have in place a contractual policy that requires their players to be well groomed, manicured, and clean shaven at all times during the season. The Boston Red Sox, however, boast a lineup of players resembling Vikings and various safari animals including Kevin Youkilis, a Chris Mason disciple with a darker but more contained beard.

Though baseball Gods, for years, ignored the facial hair rule, in this decade they’ve finally woken up from their seventh inning stretch and have given the Red Sox two World Series wins to the Yankees zero.

The logic behind the dominance of hair in sport is one that has been debated for years. Some say there is an intimidation factor the surrounds the fact that your competitor, while bearing down on you, resembles a wild animal that could kill you in two bites or swipes. Others argue that facial hair, especially the concept of a playoff beard in hockey, does help to foster team unity. Take into account, for example, the collective suffering experience by everyone on a hockey club when sweat drips into their beards prompting an overwhelming desire to itch. Remember, though, the ultimate irony that hockey players wear gloves which, unless taken off, are too bulky to allow for a quenching chin scratch. Remember, too, that a hockey player seen by the opposing team with their bare hands deep in their beards will be seen as a failure and a wimp and will be ridiculed mercilessly. Regardless, the choice is yours.

Whatever the reason, however, the facts are undeniable. No matter how you look at it, in sport, you are less likely to win by a hair than you are to win by sheer hair alone.

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