Go Whole or Go Home: A Fittingly Critical Preemptive Review of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
By Cranky Hatchfield

What a surprise! And no, Julia, I am not talking about the feeble attempt at a surprise party for my 83rd birthday last week – I knew about it, I did! I am just a good actor! I am talking about another inflammatory, outrageous, and more-than-conspicuous attempt by the liberals to topple our beloved American society; and this time, they are taking it right to an American staple, the big screen. Invented, crafted, honed, and perfected on American soil, film has been one of our most beloved national treasures for hundreds of years, and only with our blessing and express permission has it been allowed to spread throughout the world to preach the good cheer of democracy and freedom. Of course, instead of using film like we told them to, unAmerica [Editor’s note: Cranky is referring to everywhere in the world that is not the United States] subverted this wondrous American invention and used it to communicate to their mindless followers and poison our minds! What movie am I talking about? Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, of course!

And you thought I was crazy in my assertion that the Commies would be targeting our youth! Harry Potter is the greatest heartthrob to capture the hearts and minds of children all over the country since Steamboat Willie! O Steamboat, your boat was so rugged and your lifestyle so natural – just the way Americans like it. What a perfect image and symbol for children to rally around and emulate in their everyday lives: hardworking, blue-collar, and willing to work long days on a smelly boat to make ends meet. Now, we have Harry Potter, and may God have mercy on our nation.

Potter is selected to attend a private academy (elitist!) for the arts (hippie!), like magic and voodoo (evil!). Using these powers, he can do anything he wants to – turn invisible, fly on a broom, mutate himself, transform objects, summon things, control the thoughts and actions of other people! This is the very definition of America’s greatest threat! We all know the Commies have been working for years to create a machine to control the minds of Americans, and now they have it – the Harry Potter Commietron. And we want to let it be shown on the big screen throughout the country? Just put a Harry Potter Commietron chip in me right now and get it over with.

Not to mention the ancestry of this Potter and his goons; “half-blood” betrays all too well what they are intending through this film. The greatest Americans of all time were nothing but pure-blooded, home-grown Americans: George Washington, Neil Armstrong, and Christopher Columbus, just to name a few. This “half-blood” magic-lover is nothing but an attempt to make us think that it is ok to not be a pure-blood American! This nation was founded with the intention of keeping out anything but the true Americans, especially ones that want to control our minds. Without pure-blood Americans roaming throughout our great nation, it is impossible for us to hope to perpetuate the American values of homogeneity, narrow-mindedness, and complete intolerance for anything we don’t understand. British? Get out! French? Thanks but no thanks! Native Americans? Nice try, but we all know you are like my young grandsons fighting for the front seat; just get in the back.

Prince? PRINCE? Does NO ONE remember the Revolutionary War of 1776? The Declaration of Independence? FREEDOM? Our forefathers fought so selflessly hundreds of years ago against the tyrannical rule of a king, King Louis [Editor’s note: King George], and now we are going to sit by while we allow the Reds to abdicate the thrown of free government and implant their own ruler in our great nation? We kicked this “king” out because he tried to block out our American rights, and now they are threatened yet again! Be vigilant, and avoid this Harry Potter at all costs, unless you want to fall asleep behind the wheel of the American Virtue Mobile. Listen to me! Listen to America.

-Brennan Lowery



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