“What’s in a name” – A slightly less comprehensive study on Mascots and Team Nomenclature in the World of Sport.
By Simon Svirnovskiy

At a recent UVa sporting event, the kind spectator standing next to me turned to me, tightened his tie, wiped the beer off of his lips and spouted out “Go Wahoos!” Then he eloquently pivoted in the other direction, asked the kind gentlemen behind him what a ‘Wahoo’ was and promptly passed out. As so many small vignettes in life tend to do, this little scene got me thinking. While I know this is dangerous, I couldn’t help but think “jeez, what a perfect conundrum that I could share with a global audience!”

The point of a logo or team emblem is to find and band together as a collective under something that represents the qualities your club wants to embody on the field. Many teams pick the generic strong animals. Others pick inquisitive, introspective historical figures whose thoughts they want to emulate. So what does a team’s mascot say about them?

Let’s start with our first category: the Generic Strong Animals (GSA). The Chicago Bears will blindly swat at you and growl to assert themselves but, if you fool them into thinking you’re bigger than them, they’ll fold quicker than XFL (look it up… so worth it).

Basically, the Bears have no competitive advantage as long as you don’t leave treats or food on the sidelines (Andy Reid and the Eagles are in trouble) and you don’t coat yourself with honey before the snap (Again, watch out Mr. Reid).

Then we have the next category – Famous Groups of People (FGP). The Milwaukee Brewers’ chief strategy is to get you so drunk that you can’t hit their pitches, no matter how slow or straightforward they are. Additionally, the Brewers’ actual mascots are four sausage links who race each other around the ballpark. There’s really no way to describe this other than “sausage fest”.

The Virginia Cavaliers, additionally, are British Loyalists living in America. A Cavalier, initially, was the name given to Royalist Parliamentary supporters of King Charles I during the English Civil War. Loyalty to the British Monarchy? Oy vey Thomas Jefferson! Say it isn’t so!

Finally, the Montreal Canadiens are just that, Canadians (yes, I know the spellings are different. Yes, Canada knows it too) and frankly, we all know how big and scary and intimidating Canada is.

Then we move to the next category; the Less Imposing Animals (LIA). Here we have the Anaheim Ducks and, as well all know very well by now, “Ducks fly together!” (thank you, Disney!) Though their teamwork is unmatched in the realm of sport, the Ducks lack true intimidation factor. In fact, aside from Alfred Hitchcock references, when is the last time birds have scared anyone aside from yours truly who, as a child, had an irrational fear of aviary creatures. Also included in this category are:

-The Virginia Tech Hokies (turkeys) who are conspicuously absent from most competitions during the months of October and November.
-The Detroit Red Wings who somehow seem to function even though they lack torso, head or feet.
-An honorable mention goes to the Baltimore Ravens for their embrace of Edgar Allen Poe. True to the story, the Ravens, game after game, seem to frighten their opponents into submission or forfeit. We at Popsense do, however, suggest that you call the police immediately if one, Ray Lewis, comes rapping at your chamber door.

Next, we have the Mystical / Heavenly Body (M/HB) category. The Anaheim Angels will test you but are far too kind to ever beat you or cause you worry through loss. The Washington Wizards are convinced that the sport they are destined to play is Quidditch rather than basketball; (Really, this could be a legitimate explanation for their last place record). Then we have a whole host of netherworld teams fighting for Satan’s approval. The Duke Blue Devils, the Dickinson Red Devils, Arizona State Sun Devils and New Jersey Devils are constantly embroiled in a battle for underworld supremacy. Then there are whole host of Demons and Demon Deacons taking sides as well. Needless to say, it’s one hell of a mess. (Wow, worst pun ever… sorry.) [At this point, the author is holding his head down in shame].

We take a brief detour to the Music (M) category starting with the Utah Jazz. This name is altogether appropriate but it is also a lesson in strict limits – follow me here. Jazz has always been known for its syncopated and catchy rhythms which encourage, ahem, dancing. Mormons culture distinctly encourages “dancing between couples lest the devil find other work for them”. So, the “Utah Jazz” is ok but should really be known as the “Utah Jazz - so - dance - all - you - want - but - God - help - you - if - you - do - anything - else - with - my - daughter - before - you - marry - her!”

We leave music with the St. Louis Blues who, by definition, serve to console their fans after failure on the ice and without further explanation for fear of me breaking down in tears and ruining my laptop we can simply say that the team is CERTAINLY living up to its name.

Finally, we reach my personal favorite group; the What the Fuck (WTF) category. We start with the Stanford Cardinal. Notice the singular here… this is clearly an individually minded team. Additionally, when the pope’s right hand man won’t get you, Stanford resorts to their mascot: a tree. Honestly, I wish I was making this up. This shit is too funny. Next, we the University of California – Santa Cruz Banana Slugs.

Surrender now or they’ll slide, ooze and shit on your arms. Next we have the Philadelphia Phillies. The name, itself, suggest that the team will, like a Philly Cheese Steak, be very enjoyable when you first eat/play against it but then, it’ll come back to beat you in the end… the only question is which end it comes out of. Instead, though, the Phillies have created this huggable Muppet Show reject: the Phillie Phanatic. Again, the face on our former fearless leader says it all. Let’s play a game: in the comments section, caption this photo. Do it. It’s fun for all and ego boosting for me.

Finally, we conclude with my personal favorite mascot. The great Texas Christian University in Fort Worth Texas provides students with a “Teaching and research institution associated with the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ)”. However, it provides to me and everyone else on the planet the world’s best team name and mascot: the TCU Horned Frogs. Parents, keep your daughters away from this place!

So, in a most roundabout and ridiculous way, I’ve looked up the answer to the question that my inebriated classmate asked earlier. A Wahoo is a fish that can drink twice it’s body weight. So kudos to you, anonymous drunk fan; as you cheer on your team, you embody its legacy and spirit. Oh I think we need another drink!


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