The Hooker is Taking the Money! – Inside Report into the Outside World of Sport
Monday, June 22, 2009
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– Brazil gets robbed after partying too hard, ESPN introduces Fantasy Fatherhood and *gasp* Golf is still not over! -
1. Holy Crap! The United States Advances to the Confederation Cup Semifinals – So last week I dared you to sit through an entire Confederation Cup match and warned that the reason this tournament sucks is that 1) you see South Africa (ranked 72nd in the world) playing Egypt (40th). I also warned that you’d have to sit through seeing Spain’s B team play against ½ of Italy’s team and, sure enough, the aging Italian practice squad fell to Egypt and then got spanked by the only team that brought its A game, Brazil.
True, Brazil showing up in full form and enthusiasm to win the Confederations Cup is like being the kid who showed up with headbands, armbands and basketball goggles to recess – it just doesn’t matter.
Hell, the trophy’s plastic! Somehow, then, the US scooted past Egypt and is advancing to the semi-finals to play defending European Champion Spain. In the words of Emperor Tennyson, “It’s a Christmas Miracle!”
2. The Hooker is taking the money! Brazil Gets Robbed!– The determined Brazilians led by spirited Kaka came to the Confederations Cup to try to get some piece of international soccer dignity back. They’ve had poor showings at each international tournament since their last win at World Cup 2002. And just how were they rewarded after dominating Egypt, the US and Italy? They were robbed. Literally.
Their hotel rooms were broken into. The Brazilians apparently lost several jackets and some money while they were embarrassing Italy on Saturday. The Brazilians had it coming, though. Apparently, they had been “drinking and womanizing” the night before and, when they left to attend to Italy on the soccer field, their escort got back at them. No word yet on whether they asked her to do anything with Pepto Bismol or shaving back hair.
Brazilian officials are currently denying this report but… take it as you will. After all, the Brazilian national team did just that. (An extra two kudos points to anyone that accurately cites the reference in this part of the post. Post your answers below. Kudos points are real, mind you, and can be redeemed for kudos bars so take this seriously).
3. Simon gets back from the moon; Golf is still not over! - So I got back in town last night at seven in the evening after a seven hour drive from Hunstville, AL. What was I doing in Huntsville? How good of you to ask. I was at Space Camp. THE Space Camp. “Aren’t you a little old for Space Camp?” No! I’m not… I was acting as chaperone for my little brothers with my dad so stop with the accusations!
Anyway, after completing two shuttle missions, doing a moonwalk in a 1/6th gravity chair and eating space ice cream (tastes like piss with ink), the LAST thing that I wanted to do was sit down at my laptop and find out that by the negligence of God, somehow the US Open is still going on. Apparently, the great almighty (or watchmaker if you’re a deist) decided to rain out Thursday’s opening round meaning Simon still has to put up with round-the-clock coverage of Tiger Woods scratching his butt and John Daly pulling his hamstrings while pulling his big and tall frame from tee 1 to tee 2.
At the time of printing, Tiger is tied for 8th and Phil Mickelson is 3rd. Since the rest of the country doesn’t care about any other golfers (poor Padraig), we don’t know who is winning or by how much. To spare you from having to watch more golf on ESPN or NBC or whatever sad channel is paying for this garbage, you can spend your time watching this instead.
I was going to look for pictures of John Daly's pants at the US Open but unfortunately Big Chex Mix failed to qualify for the event. He took this news with a Marlboro break but his cigarette wasn't the only thing that was smoking. AttaboyJohnny! 
That's the most checkered fabric I've seen since Kirstie Alley decided to have a picnic for one.
That's the most checkered fabric I've seen since Kirstie Alley decided to have a picnic for one.4. Fantasy Fatherhood - Happy Day After Father’s Day! To celebrate, here’s ESPN’s poll question from yesterday: “Which Athlete would you want to be your father?” “A. Lance Armstrong, B. Kobe Bryant, C. Eli Manning, D. Tiger Woods.” I was honestly horrified while reading this question.
If I seriously considered it and pondered on it and then told my dad, he’d probably hit me in the face and, when coming to my senses, I’d realize that I probably deserved it and I’d thank him. Really? Is this what ESPN is coming to. I realize that fantasy football got them all gooey over hypotheticals but really? They want us to play Fantasy Fatherhood? Let’s play together, shall we?
Lance is already on his third marriage/long term dating thing and has kids from multiple wives so he seems to 
finicky to be a stable dad so he’s out. Kobe… do I have to really write it out? Let’s just say the guy’s already at least cheated on his wife so he’s out.
5. Mailbag -
“ Picks for Wimbledon?” – Into.
- This one’s a no brainer. With Nadal pulling out of Wimbledon, the stage is set for Roger Federer to break Sampras’ Slam record on Sampras’ holy grass. What a site that will be. Federer vs. Fernando Gonzalez in the final. Federer in 4 sets. On the women’s side, let’s go Dinara Safina vs. Serena Williams. Serena wins in 2 sets and Safina continues her reign as the greatest player to always finish runner up.
- This one’s a no brainer. With Nadal pulling out of Wimbledon, the stage is set for Roger Federer to break Sampras’ Slam record on Sampras’ holy grass. What a site that will be. Federer vs. Fernando Gonzalez in the final. Federer in 4 sets. On the women’s side, let’s go Dinara Safina vs. Serena Williams. Serena wins in 2 sets and Safina continues her reign as the greatest player to always finish runner up.
“Dear Simon. Beard update? Any new beards making their way into things?” – Benjamin.
- Oh I am SO glad you asked Benjamin. There is, in fact, a beard currently stirring things up in Major League Baseball. When Ryan Franklin assumed the duty of closer for the St. Louis Cardinal bullpen in April, all of St. 
Louis stood up out of their seats… and quickly scurried to kiss the nearest toilet seat after glimpsing his firechin. (I’m killing firecrotch slowly but surely).
Louis stood up out of their seats… and quickly scurried to kiss the nearest toilet seat after glimpsing his firechin. (I’m killing firecrotch slowly but surely). As the year has progressed, Franklin has converted save after save and has solidified a once combustible Cardinals bullpen, leading the team to the MLB’s third best record.
And what do you think is responsible for his performance getting better and better? Oh yes. He has adopted, nay, embraced Chris Mason’s lumberjack look but is sporting a model with a definite reddish hue.
Ryan Franklin is a fireballer with a firebeard that conjures up images of a blazing forest fire burning down million dollar celebrity condos in Santa Barbara.
6. Homework - Watch this sick video that my friend sent me and then imagine the rain falling over South Africa as the US team celebrates a stunning victory over Spain. Then wake up and watch the US get trounced by the top ranked Spaniards.
Cheers!
yess tiger would totally be the best father
wow thanks for the beard update haha!
fantasy sports mother anyone? Danica Patrick? Misty May?
hahah i think brian is just thinking about 'fantasy MILFs' lol.
Simon, thanks for the updates!
ohhh golf.
are the x-games coming up, and if so, are they still relevant or did skateboarding become uncool about a decade ago?
i saw the thing about tony hawk skating thru the white house... that's just a wtf on so many levels.
fuckin brazilians womanizing hahah
good updates man, funny stuff, tho i do still think someone made a good point last time that you could totally get away with doing less explaining of stories, giving us a link to wherever you got it from (presumably espn) and then just let the jokes do the talkin! You are super funny!