There is a moment in every young person's life when they realize that they can't have it all. This loss of ultimate self-importance is pivotal to an understanding of their own place in society and the need to treat others with respect and equality. Once in a while, however, that paradigm is shattered.

Purchasing Minute Maid Fruit Punch, preferably in 20 oz. bottle form, and then proceeding to put the contents into your mouth, is one of those times.

Most of you are probably looking at your computer screen right now and wishing it could talk to you as you ask it things like, "wait, why would anyone buy anything besides Tropicana Fruit Punch with its bold unidentifiable fruit flavors and sugary kick?

Well, luckily I can read your minds and answer that very question: First of all, I used to drink Tropicana Fruit Punch from fountain stations at a variety of restaurants, mostly because they had a small seal of approval claiming that I would be receiving 100% of my required Vitamin C during this drinking process (I actually only require 50% of the average daily need, everyone in my family is a sailor, so this was doubly as good for me). However, one day I bought this same beverage in 20oz form and found that I had been lied to for years-- no significant amount of Vitamin C was listed under the Nutritional Fact section of the otherwise beautifully designed label.

Others, like this woman who received a pre-release copy of my review and then responded in video form seem to be asking that same question and proposing the use of Hawaiian Punch Pocket Powder Packets (US title) instead.

However, after doing a little research I discovered that 1. The product is not really from Hawaii, and 2. You can't drink powder, so suck on that non-Minute Maid Fruit Punch!

Minute Maid doesn't lie to you in any capacity-- the contents were created in less than one minute, and done so by a factory full of men dressed in classic french maid outfits. The pun and the product remain true to their name.

Let's close this up with a brief, brief discussion of the actual product itself despite the fact that all other foreseeable competition has been aptly shat on and that this is the victor by the never-failing process of elimination.

As I mentioned in the beginning of this review, the Minute Maid Fruit Punch drinking experience is one that kicks you in the face, then nurses your wounds, and feeds you your own blood so that you become a better human being as a result of it.

There were moments during my journey of drinking Minute Maid Fruit Punch while pacing around my house where I was convinced that real bits of fruit were visible inside of the punch. Whether or not these were real bits of fruit or just my own backwash, I haven't confirmed it yet, so I'll ask you readers to give it a try and tell me because I have a serious spitting issue and I can't check before I start drinking it because I have another undiagnosed problem of developing a sudden, uncontrollable urge to start drinking any beverage immediately upon its opening. This usually only happens with alcoholic drinks for me, but apparently incredible fruit punch is an exception.

But that's no surprise, as I said earlier, Minute Maid Fruit Punch truly is the exception to all the rules-- great taste, not powder, created by transvestites, and maybe made with real fruit-- you really can have it all.

-Jeff Luppino-Esposito

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