Despite claims, actually, despite absolute proof that the Eminem and Bruno assbagging was staged, award show commentator "Ben Targlees" insists otherwise:

It looked like just another awards show: look, this guest host/presenter is exciting! Neat, those other nominees got mentioned when we already know who is going to win [insert award title here] award! He/She was wearing who/what/where/when/why/how? Jack Black is doing what? But little did we know that the 2009 MTV Movie Awards were about to take a wicked turn for the worst (better? You be the judge!), and I was here to see every scintillating crack of the situation unfold. Here is why Eminem walked out of the award show after being presented with a full ass-to-face award ceremony of his own:

1. Look, bro, I have a “hard” reputation to maintain. You, me, and everyone knows about Eminem: he is the first non-white white guy to maintain a serious and rather impressive reputation as a non-white white guy. His rapping and music videos have broken down all kinds of barriers throughout the years, and he has made sure to maintain a serious, tough, and renegade attitude about himself throughout it all. Without this persona, he is nothing. Therefore, how could he possibly sit by as another man, dressed as a fairy, put his ass cheeks in his face in front of everyone that matters in the world/USA? Simple street laws say he definitely couldn’t. And no, hard isn’t in quotes to indicate erection, it means street tough. But he did have a boner.

2. Have you ever smelled an Austrian’s ass? But for serious, I know Bruno was wearing an angelic costume and all, trying to trick us into thinking that everything about him radiated heavenly sense and odour, but there is no way that Eminem was able to sit for a second longer with that stinky bum in his face. He was there intending to enjoy some of the world’s best performers and entertainers while making up reasons why he wasn’t winning every award on the night. As much of some of those artists and performers might stink, there is no way they could possibly reek any worse than an Austrian man’s hindquarters; this is a simple fact, and not everyone necessarily knows it, but Eminem clearly does. He certainly was not there trying to sniff some booty, so when push came to butt shove it was high time to quite this establishment and mosey on out. And who blames him, PEEEE YEW.

3. THE BEST SONG EVER IS IN MY HEAD RIGHT NOW. There is no doubt in my mind that Eminem ran out as quickly as he did because, at that exact moment, he had explosive and dynamic lyrics rushing through his brain about this incident and how he was going to rake Bruno and Sacha Baron Cohen over the hate-fires. Have you ever had a number one single bursting through your brain? Probably not, you aren’t Eminem. And neither am I. But I can safely say that he had to burn rubber out of that theatre in order to jot down every single idea and thought he had about the moment to make sure that, when his song does come out about the incident, he is most able to accurately portray and clarify the “there is booty in my face” moment.

4. Whoa whoa, I am not gay. That was pretty gay right? Look, I am Eminem, I am pretty sure I rapped about this kind of situation once and it wasn’t cool. Like, not cool at all, and probably kind of gay. But look, check it, I am not gay, and I have to make sure everyone knows this. Everyone hears what I am saying right? Having this dude’s ass in my face is gay, right? And everyone knows that Eminem is definitely the last person on the planet that would be gay. I am totally not that, listen to my records. A+B = Leave this awards show. Word up.

-Brennan Lowery

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