- Plaxico Burress faces an existential question, Lakers’ fans premier the new production of STOMP, and our weekly dose of non-athletic white guys turning left! -

1.Oh Shite! A Defense of Plaxico Burress – In November 2008, Plaxico Burress was enjoying a night on the town in the relaxing and luxurious city of New York where nothing can go wrong, ever. Somehow while clubbing it up in the VIP room, the Giants’ Superbowl winning receiver shot himself in the leg. What’s worse, and follow me here because this is honestly what happened, Plaxico shot himself with a gun that wasn’t registered and thus was arrested on felony gun possession charges.

Amazingly, this is what really happened and not just the plot to How High 2 (They finally started filming!) As stupid as Burress was in this situation, however, I find myself coming to his defense for a few reasons. Let’s look at this in another way. Under Hammurabian logic, Burress’ insolence would be punished by stealing one of his guns, or smacking him on the forehead for good measure or, at worst, shooting him in the leg so he won’t do it again. Hmm. Check!

His own injury coupled with the 27 million in lost salary probably means that he won’t do it again. Still, an overzealous prosecutor remains dead set on putting Burress in jail to induce a further deterrent effect. Is New York that crime-free that the DA just has nothing else to do?

Now, Burress is waiting for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to determine if he can play out this year’s season since his next court date isn’t until March. Additionally, let’s see how Burress’ indiscretion stacks up against other high profile NFL legal cases. Michael Vick killed dogs and is about to get released. Leonard Little of the St. Louis Rams hit and killed a woman while driving drunk, and was back in the NFL a few years later. Plaxico Burress shot himself with an illegally owned gun. Oh Snap! Lock him up!

2.Kudos to LA Lakers’ Fans. Way to Riot like it’s 1994 - So on Monday I’m sitting in my room on my bed waking up from my Nyquil-induced happy place (damn you common cold!) and I remember that my basketball team of choice, the Los Angeles Lakers, won the championship last night. I quickly turn on the TV to ESPN and see a report on how LA fans celebrated their team’s title; by doing what any good Los Angeles resident does after any big event: RIOT!
Special kudos goes out to the gentleman featured in the police video who can be seen wielding an orange traffic cone as a Louisville Slugger and going to town on several payphones. Way to use a tool of public safety as one of public anarchy! See how he turned it around there? It’s irony! Others have started practicing for the new production of “Stomp: Beat up on sh!t that’s not yours!”

3. Kudos to Kobe Bryant – With the Lakers’ title victory Sunday night, Kobe Bryant finally won his first Finals MVP award. This means that his career has finally returned to heights that haven’t been seen since Shaq asked Kobe to ‘tell him how his ass tasted’.



Mmm… yummy! Incidentally, in the same rap, Shaq got the most airtime he’s seen since the release of the Blockbuster film, Kazaam. Among other things, Shaq rapped about his class and his vasectomy.

4. Weekly Nascar Update – This past week Mark Martin, of Viagra commercial fame, won the Michigan Sprint Cup race where 43 drivers spent four hours driving straight and then turning left and then driving straight and then turning left and then driving straight… No comment from Viagra on whether Martin’s third victory of the year corresponded with his third “victory” of the year.

5. US Open this week in New York; the World Stops - with the amount of coverage this event has been getting this past week, you’d think that Jesus was spotted nestling in a sand trap at Bethpage Golf Course. It honestly frightens me just how much coverage Golf and NASCAR get in America.

What is it with the summer months anyway? We turn from the active, demanding sports of Football, hockey and soccer and, instead, focus on Nascar and Golf; Nascar, a sport in which the “athlete” is seated the entire time and Golf where the most exertion anyone faces is having to stare at and digest John Daly’s choice of pantaloons.

No wonder we’re all dreading bikini season in a mass panic! I’ll go on record as saying that America’s fascination with sedentary sports is the worst thing that’s happened to this country since the coining and public acceptance of the term “firecrotch”.

6. A Big Thank You – To everyone who sent me feedback for my column last week. I’m attributing that bogey (this is for you, golf fans) to extended jet-lag. Thanks for holding me to a higher standard. Please keep the feedback coming.

7. SERIOUSLY ASK ME QUESTIONS!!! – Here’s an example: “Dear Simon,” [Aww, that’s cute. Now it sounds like an advice column!] “Who do you think will win the US Open this weekend?”

Then the next week, you’ll get my answer: “Hey Gianluigi, thanks for the question! Though I really hate how golf is becoming America’s number one “sport”, I’m picking Padraig Harrington. He won three majors in the past two years and his little Irish accent is just adorable so the more air-time he gets on ESPN, the better!”

See? We can have this fun little dialogue and I can try to tailor my columns to answering your questions, building your fantasy teams (I know you have them) or helping you place bets on the right teams (Shh… we don’t talk about that … wink, wink).

8. Homework - Find some logical reason why Roger Federer is seeded number two for Wimbledon, despite having won the last two majors.

Cheers!

-Simon Svirnovskiy

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