You know, I’m really glad Facebook exists. Without it, how would I make any decisions for myself? I’m not very bright – I can barely spell my own name (Lorin? Larynnne??), much less decide if my Facebook privacy settings should allow my extended family to see that picture of me passed out at a party with a penis drawn across my face.

I’m glad to hear Facebook is simplifying its complex privacy settings. Nobody wants to make fancy-shmancy decisions that determine their privacy on a social networking page! Please, put all my sh*t out there for the world to see. Send it to my dad!!! And my boss. And all my prospective employers. Here, let me give you their contact information...

One of the biggest changes in Facebook privacy settings stems from Facebook’s unbridled jealousy of Twitter. Attempting to compete with its tweeting archrival, Facebook will change the definition of the “Everybody” privacy setting from everybody on Facebook, to everybody in the world. Faaaaaaanf*uckingtastic.

And, since Facebook loves to get its sh*t up on search engines, this new setting could entirely revolutionize Internet searches in the worst way ever. Now, if I want to look up Michael Jackson, Google will spit back 998,556,543,643666666 Facebook status updates: “OMG :( MICHAEL JACKSONN :( :(,” “F*ckin’ pedophile is dead,” “Listening to ‘P.Y.T.’ and crying, omg why would god do this???,” etc.

Plus, I don’t want the garbage I put up on my own Facebook getting picked up by Google. It’s bad enough that another Lauren Sieben exists and opted to make her profile public. Add to that the possibility that my June 20, 2009 status – “Lauren just got crapped on by a bird” – could soon become part of the public domain. Even though I effectively just did so myself.

Move forth into the new Facebook with caution, and prepare for Twitter’s retaliation: 25,000-character tweets, perhaps? Twitter applications with a "Which Jonas Brother Are You?" quiz and typing contests? Or maybe, every time you tweet, Twitter will ensure that it pops up on Google by purchasing a sponsored link for every. single. tweet. Ehhh, but it doesn’t really matter. I don’t care about my privacy settings anyway. Brb, adding my social security number to my Facebook info.

-Lauren Sieben


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