The shuffle feature on iTunes is more often than not a wonderful little feature, it allows you to listen to a wide variety of songs without actually having to change the song. That magical twisting arrows button circumvents those incredibly arduous few button clicks that it would take to bring up the iTunes window (yes, I have a PC – it was a onetime mistake, and I’m not proud of it okay? I don’t really want to talk about it), what a time saver. However, as we all know sometimes technology bites back, I mean just look at such classic documentaries as The Matrix and iRobot. My shuffle feature, apparently disgruntled with the long hours I made it work decided that it would take a chunk out of my dignity: I was hanging out with a few friends and I had my iTunes on when I hit a string of 100% socially unacceptable songs. I now bear my shame in front of you all with hopes that I can find some sort of redemption.

Independent Woman Part II – Destiny’s Child

I have no business listening to this song – I’m not independent, a woman, or the second coming of anything. This isn’t even the mainstream and slightly superior Independent Woman Part I. I honestly don’t even know how this song made it onto my iTunes, it’s a flaming piece of shit. Even worse than the more mainstream Independent Woman Part I, Part II is a choppy revamped version of its predecessor. At least it wasn't Bootylicious I don't think I could have handled that.

Thong Song – Sisqo

Well shit… the failure of this song is only emphasized by its position right after IW2. Let’s take a look at some of the lyrics from this charming ditty about women’s dental floss. “She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck”… Back in 5th grade I distinctly remember thinking, in my naïve little white boy mind, “what the hell is appealing about big shits?” Now of course I know better, but at the time I was quite confused. Also about 2 minutes and 40 seconds into the song Sisqo turns the Thong into something so much more epic than it ever has or ever will be.

Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle) – Limp Bizkit

First off I can’t believe I used to listen to a band that took its name from what could possibly be the foulest game I’ve ever heard of, urban dictionary it if you don’t know. That aside I can’t believe I used to love this song… I used to do the dance and everything. I mean the song starts “Alright partner, keep on rolling baby, you know what time it is.” Also Fred Durst is an asshole.

Air Force Ones - Nelly + some other dudes

I have no explanation for why Nelly’s 5 minute Nike shoe commercial made it onto my iTunes. There are literally entire verses in this song where the various rappers describe their shoe size, whether or not they’ll tie the laces, the color of the shoe and laces, and why they need more than one pair of Air Force Ones. Lately I’ve been enjoying a lot of rap music, but remembering that I used to only be exposed to songs like this reminds me of why I used to hate it.

My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion

Over the course of writing this article I realized that I actually love this song. I have nothing to apologize for.

Feel free to post up your own embarrassing songs or iTunes Shuffle Disasters. And remember for those particularly awful songs, or if you just wanna be an asshole you can post as Anonymous.

-Sam Reeder





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