A decade ago, The Bloodhound Gang's song "The Bad Touch" boldly stated why the hell it is people watch The Discovery Channel in the first place: to watch animals copulate. Since that time, the good ol' D.C. has struggled in terms of cultural relevance and has teetered on the edge between being legitimately educational and being a lot like that one aunt of yours who's 40 but buys all her stuff at American Outfitters and tries wayyyyy too hard to be cool.

Programming on The Discovery Channel has become increasingly exploitive, brash, and downright freaky. So, a lot like a real housewife of Atlanta, basically. Here's a look at the new show that debuted last night on The Discovery Channel that will, if successful, freak you out so much that you turn into a 21st century reclusive Howard Hughes. ...with less money.

So let's play a game.


It's called "What the fuck is going on in that trailer?!" All you have to do is decide which of the following things is most ridiculous about what you just watched:

a.) The quote "It was an actual creature eating my eye"

b.) The awesomely cheesy computer animations

c.) The quote "He had eggs in his brain"

d.) The overwrought scream at 24 seconds

Mind you, there is a correct answer to this. We'll give you a second to mull it over. And the correct answer is:

It's a trick question! e.) The ridiculous slurping sounds whenever any of the "monster" worm things move around

So if you're going to learn anything from this show (and face it, you're not--it's the Discovery Channel), it's that you gotta Purell the shit out of your hands 24/7. Crazy eggs just be waitin' to get all up in your skull.

--Gaar Adams

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