Team USA finds a new 'performance enhancer', the author accepts the end of a dream, and a Popsense analysis of the oxymoron, "competitive eating".

1. Federer beats Roddick to claim his record 15th Grand Slam victory; the world says, "Meh"- Yesterday Roger Federer held off a determined and reenergized Andy Roddick to claim his 6th Wimbledon title and 15th overall Grand Slam win, thus breaking Pete Sampras' record. The Epic five set match was one of the best to have ever been played at the All England club and yet, when Roddick's desperate groundstroke sailed into the net and Federer raised his arms in ecstasy, the world did not, in fact, collapse in silly celebration along with him. Though Federer's win is deserving of extreme praise and places him at the top of all-time tennis hierarchy, the absence of Rafael Nadal, Federer's greatest rival, made the result seem almost too inevitable and anti-climactic. Nadal, of course, owns a 13-7 lifetime record against Federer and had beaten him in the last three grand slam finals the two played in. Roddick did his part to play up the drama of the match but in the end, his presence instead of Nadal's was like asking for Seth Rogen and getting Kevin James - a little fatter, less body hair and just doesn't do it for you.

Nadal's rivalry elevated Federer from being a dominant player in his era to true legendary status. Tennis fans had been anticipating Federer breaking Sampras' record for the past four years but then we were introduced to Roger's final test - Rafa. The Spaniard's presence was Federer's Achilles' heal and was the one element that could test the Swiss national's immortality. So while Federer finally won his record 15th Slam, the absence of his greatest nemesis means that people will continue to question his achievements. The onus is now on Roger to capture not just another Slam but to beat Nadal in the process.


2. Team USA's imagination wears off; fall in second half to Brazil - For a few miraculous days last weekend, the terms "United States" and "soccer" stopped mutually hating each other and came together in a beautiful, albeit surprising, embrace. Last Sunday, after vanquishing top ranked Spain, the United States took a 2-0 lead over Brazil into halftime of the Confederations Cup. In true US form, however, the team proceeded to allow 3 Brazilian goals and fall 3-2. This sudden and stark turnaround leads us to only one possible conclusion: the magic pixie dust wore off! I'm not talking about drugs (though... on second thought, there are probably two possible conclusions).


Instead, we contend that prior to their match against Egypt, the United States team was visited by a magical green nymph who bestowed upon them the power to unlock their imaginations. At this point, the team, under a heavy dose of pixie, believed they were 2006 World Cup Champions Italy and scored 7 goals while allowing none in the next two and a half games. When the pixy wore off at half time, then, the Americans encountered the blunt reality that they were, in fact, Team USA soccer and thus have no business even being in the same 100,000 seat soccer stadium as Brazil. My advice to coach Bradley: next time don't cheap out on the HGH, ahem, pixie dust!


3. Tour de France begins; Is anyone still watching? - So after watching the Wimbledon Final, I began flipping through channels to find that cheesy Steven Seagal action movie that's on every Sunday. In my quest to appease my martial arts and D-list movie writing crave, I stumbled upon the Tour de France being televised, in full, by Versus. For the first time in eight years, I flipped the channel and continued until I found the USA Network and, bingo, "On Deadly Ground"! Seriously, I know that Lance Armstrong is back in the race and he's out to prove everyone wrong but I just have no more patience or faith in professional cycling after every top rider of this decade has been proven a cheat and doper. If Lance wins then we'll applaud his guts for going back in the belly of the beast (wow... this is the first time that France has been called a beast since Napoleonic days) and pushing himself through another tour. However, all accomplishments by any professional cyclists cannot be looked upon without doubt.

4. John Tavares drafted first overall; the author's dream is over - On June 26, 2009, the New York Islanders, by virtue of a historically pathetic season, selected John Tavares first overall in the 2009 NHL draft. Tavares' statistics in the Canadian Junior hockey leagues shattered records held by one Wayne Gretzky and were good enough to make a serious case for him being the top pick in the 2008 draft. However, Tavares' age barred him from consideration last year and forced teams to wait another year to play the John Tavares sweepstakes. It is this age, then, that concerns the author and not just Tavares' phenomenal accomplishments. He was born on September 20, 1990 or, in other words, younger than the author. When the players being drafted into the league you dreamed of joining as a child are younger than you, you know the dream is over. And so, I take a minute of your time to confide in you all, my dear readers, that my dream is, in fact, over. Give me a moment, please.


Last year, however, I mentally prepared myself for this occurance by purchasing this nifty St. Louis Blues jersey.

The moral of this little vignette - if you can't really do it, then prepare enough evidence to lie to your grandkids!

5. Joey Chestnut stuns Kobayishi by eating 68 hot dogs in ten minutes; Stuns the world by not collapsing on stage - First of all, let me let you all in on a little secret. There is actually a competitive eating professional circuit. Major League Eating sponsors several competitive eating contests around the country every year including the Nathan's Hot Dog contest, Asparagus eat-offs and the Krystal Hamburgers Square Off. Honestly, competitive eating is one of those things that is so foul that you cannot help but watch. Every time your gag reflex forces you to look away, your brain forces you back to the screen. I seriously cannot comprehend how wizards have died from playing Quidditch but no one has ever died from competitive eating. How long is it going to be before Chestnut or Kobayishi feel that sharp pain in their left arms and keel over into their mangled hot dog/bun tubs.

What's worse, and bear with me here, competitive eating is televised on ESPN. The NHL is relegated to Versus while competitive eating and, alright I'll say it, Poker, are seen on ESPN. Really, I think the worldwide leader in sport is just trying to corner the market on the seven deadly sins. They've got gluttony and greed covered. This brings me to...


6. Homework - (some of you haven't been doing this since... the comment box isn't, how you say, filled to the brim with responses. This topic should prompt your attention).

- With two of the seven deadly sins already covered (gluttony - competitive eating, greed - poker), how can ESPN fashion sporting events out of the other five.

For reference, the other five sins are Lust, Sloth, Wrath, Envy and Pride. Do Morgan Freeman proud! Bonus points will be awarded for both practicality but also creativity.


7. Mailbag
"Are the x-games coming up, and if so, are they still relevant or did skateboarding become uncool about a decade ago?i saw the thing about tony hawk skating thru the white house... that's just a wtf on so many levels." - Paul.
- Dear Paul. The X-Games are still relevant. Skateboarding is still cool so don't worry, you can break out your board and Vans shoes and go roll around the neighborhood. I personally think that Skateboarding is getting cooler as long as Bam Margera is becoming less and less associated with extreme sports in general. And luckily, for now, he's much more interested in his "movie career" so we can all breathe a sigh of relief. "Phew!" I personally will be watching the X Games because I love that little flying tomato, Shaun White, and I love watching crazy dudes jacked up on Code Red do flips on fast bikes in the air. In all seriousness, Shaun White has done almost enough good to almost undo all the damage that Carrot Top did to redheads everywhere. X Games 15 will take place from July 30-August 2 in Los Angeles and will be, like everything else that isn't the NHL, televised on ESPN and its family of networks.


8. In Remembrance - We close this weekend by asking everyone to observe a moment of silence for Steve McNair. The longtime Titans quarterback was found shot to death in an apparent Murder-Suicide carried out by his girlfriend. McNair was the consummate football player but was also an amazing leader and dedicated humanitarian who was beloved in the Nashville area and in the entire football community. My lasting memory of him will always be SuperBowl 34 where his Titans played my Rams and, though his team came up just short, his unending will earned my respect for the rest of his career. RIP #9 Steve "Air" McNair.


-Simon Svirnovskiy



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