1. Swine Flu

Why: You thought you were so hip, Swine Flu, didn't you? Targeting the teen/early 20's demographic, ruining the pork market, well your little charades are over. If you had the Swine Flu before last week sometime, then it's still cool to recount it and talk about how you 'almost died,' but contracting it now is just a desperate plea for attention.

Acceptable Alternative: With retro fashion always on the rise, we give you the ripped jeans of diseases-- West Nile Virus. Long overdue for a comeback, West Nile packs the punch of classic targeting of the elderly/babies, yet, unlike Cancer and AIDS, it has never been 'too soon' to make a West Nile joke. Also, this allows nightly news shows to display their favorite frightening HD, zoomed-in clips of mosquitoes. Badass.


2. 3-D Films

Why: Comic-Con this year was dominated by upcoming 3-D features and Disney is shitting them out faster than you can say 'Disney propagates the hegemonic culture through a rigid system of traditional sexual and gender roles, capitalist lies, and white superiority.' Wearing 3-D glasses outside of the theater is an acceptable social commentary on the one-dimensional mind of the average American, but as a medium of film, 3-D is just too close to 2-D with sweet graphics.

Acceptable Alternative: 4-D Films. If it rains in the movie, I wanna get wet. It is the film design of the future and it follows an ever-reliable rule: if it happens at Busch Gardens, it should probably happen in everyday life.


3. Starting a Folk Band after College

Why: It's your fault you have a worthless liberal arts degree, no one else's-- don't punish us with your sorry attempts at harmonizing. Just because Bob Dylan sounded like a dying rat when he sang doesn't mean that anyone who can play a chord progression should be a folk singer. Also, you probably have no message of significance to deliver: that one time you went drunk camping with your frat buddies and wiped your ass with poison ivy doesn't count as 'getting in touch with nature'.

Acceptable Alternative: Dropping out of College early and starting a folk band-- now you're on to something.


4. Judd Apatow Films

Why: "Funny People" was the ultimate metaphor for Apatow's attempt at salvaging his own relevancy. Adam Sandler, among Apatow's predecessors of fallen prolific comedians, as the embodiment of Apatow, diagnosed with a life-ending disease, somehow is cured and carries on a charming love story. Judd, this won't work. You are going to die from that disease. We loved you, but the feeling's gone and we just can't get it back.

Acceptable Alternative: Seriously, 4-D Films, how f*cking cool would that be?

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