1) Talking about how ‘relevant’ or ‘irrelevant’ something is.

The very question of relevance is inherently subjective, undeniably trite, and ultimately unanswerable from any meaningful perspective*. Unlike the cheese, the question “Is this relevant?” cannot stand alone. To ask “is this relevant?” is really to ask “to what is this relevant?” It requires something to refer to, which too often ends up being the person asking in the first place. Thus, “this is irrelevant!” degenerates into “this is irrelevant to me!”, which mistakenly degenerates into “this is irrelevant to everyone!”, which, when it comes down to it, is a roundabout way of saying “Hi, don’t talk to me, I’m a douchebag.”

In short, to ask the question “Is this relevant?” is to automatically supply the answer—“Not you, that’s for sure.”

Acceptable Alternative: Discussions revolving around how similar or dissimilar the Peanuts cast of characters is from the Hey Arnold Cast of characters.



Consider— to what degree do Charlie Brown and Arnold both fulfill the category of ‘socially awkward male protagonist who frequently incurs insults regarding the abnormal shape of his head’? Is it justified to lump Lucy and Helga into the category of ‘aggressive females that express their love through violence’? Do Linus and Gerald both satisfy the ‘loyal, levelheaded sidekick, wise behind his years, who frequently opines philosophically and/or disseminates suburban childhood lore, and/or is occasionally called on to save the school play in a fruit costume and/or deliver a poignant Christmas-themed monologue? Are Marci and Phoebe -the- quintessential stuffy Asian wing girls? Is there a Hey Arnold equivalent to Peppermint Patty as a covert representative of LGBT characters in cartoons? The debate goes on!


View the rest after the jump!


2) Girl Scouts and Girl Scout cookies

These little hags need to come to the realization that we don’t want their traditional family values, we don’t want to support charity, we don’t believe in gender equality, and we SURE as hell don’t want their damn thin-mints. The Girl Scouts are supposed to be symbols of American Pride! What the hell is American about a thin-mint?

Acceptable Alternative: Overweight Girl Scouts selling extra large cinnabuns and Laffy Taffy, preferably with the aim of raising enough money to bulldoze the local park and replace it with a giant McDonalds constructed out lard bricks and bacon grease mortar. This would have to happen annually to compensate for the summertime structural meltdown.




3) Hip, Hipness, and Hipsters

We’re as guilty as the next blog when it comes to exploiting the hipster ethos (or should we say pathos?) for laughs, hits, and various opportunities for social commentary. But no longer. Real hipness was born and died in the 40’s, and no amount of flannel, overt attempts at being ironic, or lo-fi-on-purpose music will bring it back. We get it, ‘hipsters’. You’re ‘irreverent’. Move on. Your fashionable nonchalance is just getting geriatric at this point. You all need…hip replacements. [APPLAUSE]

Hip Replacement: Keanu-Hip, Keanu-Hipness, and Keanu Reevesters. Keanu will bring back the glory days of Hipsterdom with the professionalism, unsurpassed acting ability, and rugged good looks that only he and God possess. That man is timeless, people. Timeless.



4) All social networking services

People don’t run news stories and write articles about spoons and shoelaces do they? No, of course not. Spoons and shoelaces are things that tend to just be lying around. They are things that we use in our day to day lives that are unremarkable and that we would consider, in even their most profound and interesting lights, to be merely utilitarian. We all use spoons. We all use shoelaces. We all use facebook and twitter and AIM. At this point, none of these things are new. None of these things are novel. None of these things are newsworthy. Nobody fucking cares anymore. Die in a fire, Cnet.

Acceptable Alternative: Antisocial Un-Networking services, like Lonerbook and Quitter. The former is a service that regularly sends a nasty automated email twice a week to all of your friends that mocks them on the basis of their embarrassing profile information (“you like ABBA? I’m afraid we can’t be seen in public anymore.”) and, if they were dumb enough to list their phone number on their info page, automatically orders 2 large pepperoni pizzas to be delivered to their home address at 6AM for one week straight. Quitter is utility that allows you to anonymously tell your coworkers how much you hate their guts, insult your boss’s mother, and send his wife e-flowers via an anonymous proxy twitter account to guarantee, with 100% certainty, that you will get fired.



5) Clothing

We’re going back to the Grecian ideal, people. Previous installments of the Already Irrelevant series have (pun alert) ragged on the likes of American Apparel and Urban outfitters, but this one is taking it one step further. The Greeks knew that the complete absence of clothing affords two great boons to those who adopted it as a regular practice. First, it allows the nudist to transcend all socioeconomic classifications relating to outward appearance (which is all of them), and thereby be a unique individual and not an AmAppy toolbag. This is always a good thing. Second, it makes the nudist unable to be placed within the bounds of any particular time period, which allows them to look confident and unique without looking cheap and trendy, while simultaneously allowing their appearance and persona to be consistent with their claims that they are, in fact, time travelers from the past and/or future. Win/Win.

Acceptable Alternative: Fully body tattoo tuxedos. Three piece suit tat is not acceptable, but will not be frowned upon.




* I fully realize that the inclusion of this statement makes the nature and scope of this article largely self defeating. This is a consequence I happily accept. That this article freely and openly admits its irrelevance to itself is a testament to its humility and sincerity, and demonstrates its commitment to constant cultural progressivism even at the expense of destroying itself. This article is already metairrelevant.


-Jason Moreira

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