POPSENSE (PS): We at PopSense don't like to hold anything back, so let's just get to the juicy stuff right away-- in our ironic correspondence via Blackberry Messaging you said you wanted to set up this interview to clear your name, so why don't you tell the people what's up?

VAWN DANIELS (VD): Yeah, thanks for making this happen because we have been, to say the very least, really f*cking pissed off about some recent incidents. As you and our fans know well by now, Cork Board never has and never will release any of its music to the public nor will we ever perform live. We have all seen our favorite bands 'sellout' and so we as a group have had this appropriate pendulum reaction to these scarring moments in our musical lives by refusing to let others hear our music. Ever. We practice about 19 hours a day in Ned's basement, refuel, and then go at it again the next day. This of course has led to a level of popularity that we wholeheartedly expected. Unfortunately this recent 'leak' of one of our recordings onto the blogosphere comes as an incredible shock to us.

PS: Do you have anything to say to your fans or to the perpetrators about this leak?

VD: To our fans we say, "shit. earmuffs." to the perpetrators we say, "when we find you, we are going to tie you up in Ned's basement and skin you with a potato peeler."

PS: Strong words from a strong man.

VD: Thanks.

PS: Now, if you don't mind, can we talk about this recording for a second? To the untrained ear it sounded essentially like a few popping noises and an occasional grunt. How do you respond to such accusations?

VD: Well at a literal level, yes, that is what it probably sounds like to you. But this was actually our original collaborative work which led to the creation of the band. See there was this blank cork board in Ned's basement and we thought-- we should make a statement out of this. So we took thumbtacks, or push pins if you will, and tacked up poignant newspaper and magazine clippings and when we were done we realized we had been recording the whole time. And then we also realized that we had been using a cork board. So we named ourselves 'cork board' and the success has pretty much just been exponential from there.

PS: Wow.

VD: I know.

PS: Is it true that no one in the band actually has any formal music training?

VD: Yes, very true. Michael, our 'blunt object beater' (Editor's Note: The blunt object beater is like the drummer but apparently gets the respect of a bassist) used to know how to play the guitar, but we spent 6 months doing an ancient form of yoga that involves stoning and strangling with guitar strings until he reverted back to a childlike state in which he never knew how to play the guitar. Interestingly enough many of our fans who have gotten through the obstacle course and into Ned's basement to hear us play have been known to recreate that very process upon themselves so that every time they listen to us it literally feels like the first time, every time.

PS: Very interesting. So what's the deal with the scar?

VD: What scar?

PS: The huge scar across your face?

VD: I don't have a huge scar across my face.

PS: So what are you guys working on now?

VD: Right now we're really excited about our silent musical.

PS: Oh. What's it about?

VD: Cork board's beginnings...

PS: Cool

VD: ...and how we actually wrote every song that U2 claims to have written at least 20 years before them.

PS: To say the very least, from a mathematical standpoint, that isn't possible.

VD: That's because you have a false perception of time.

PS: Yes, right.

VD: Anyway, Bono is probably behind our leak, and he'll pay for that one day. Soon.

PS: Ok well, I think we've talked on long enough today, can I just say thank you for coming out and speaking with us today, and especially for sticking to grammatically acceptable English throughout the entire interview, as I'm sure your fans will remember quite vividly you refused to be 'limited' by the 'rules of language' in your interview with Rolling Stone last week and instead just roared like a lion for 45 minutes without inhaling. That looked painful.

VD: It wasn't.

PS: Well, thanks for stopping by, and we'll be sure never to post the leak.

VD: I'll kill you if you do.

PS: I know.

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