An (Attempted) Defense of Shitty Pop Music

You may have heard of Noise pop and Indie pop, or at least know of the likes of Wavves and MGMT.
You may have heard of Synth pop and Folk pop, or at least know of the likes of Depeche Mode and Fleet Foxes.

You may also have heard of Shit pop, or at least know of the likes of Coldplay, Papa Roach, the Dave Matthews Band, The Fray, or be familiar with the feeling of having a 4mm drill bit shoved between your ears.

I was recently forced to listen to an unprecedented amount of Shit pop as a result of my friend's evil girlfriend's death grip on the radio tuner knob in the car. Seeing that I had no choice but to be subjected to it, I figured I might as well try to enjoy it as much as possible, given the circumstances.

Now, bear in mind that in doing this I tried to be open minded. I really did. I tried to give all the following songs the biggest, fattest benefit of the doubt I could muster. But in the end, I just couldn’t. I wasn’t man enough. The following is a series of stream-of-consciousness initial reactions to 5 of the songs I was forced to listen to in the car, followed by a carefully considered and cautiously constructed final conclusion regarding them.


LL Cool J: Billie Jean Dream: Written by Michael Jackson

Initial Reaction: Despite having a name that haunts the dreams of fans with severe speech impediments (We Wove you Ew Ew!) as well as stereotypical Asian immigrants (We rove you Er Er!), LL Cool J does deserve some props for at least attempting a Michael Jackson tribute. So, yeah, props.
Final Conclusion: Too bad it’s horrible. This is Billie Jean with vocals that pale in comparison to those of the late King of Pop, with an annoying 4-beat stutter before every chorus. How innovative. Granted, LL is just doing his ‘I’m a somewhat still relevant rapper and I haven’t been arrested yet” thang, but honestly, is there any way to pull off an MJ cover these days and have it not be some sort of unforgivable heresy? I think not, and this is why.

Black Eyed Peas: Boom Boom Pow

Initial Reaction: Damn it, this so catchy…wait, did she just say “I’m so two-thousand and eight, you so two-thousand and late”? What does that even mean? Is “Boom Boom Pow” an innuendo of some sort? What the hell is autotune doing on here? Has anyone ever heard Will.i.am’s real voice? What if he’s an alien?
Final Conclusion: You know, this track could be worse. It’s simple, it’s catchy, and it’s the first time I’ve ever heard a chorus composed exclusively of comic book action onomatopoeias. Alright, Will.i.am. You win this time.

Lady Gaga: Love Game

Initial Reaction: “…she studied at Tisch?”
Final Conclusion: Lady Gaga is a lamer, manlier, more image-conscious version of Christina Aguilera with a penchant for eating babies. This tawdry strumpet gives circa 1972 Bowie a run for his money in the ‘completely over the top’ department. If ever there was a song crafted solely around a singularly shitty, shameless garish snippet of lyrics, it’s ‘Love Game’. Please, Ms. Gaga, take a ride on a disco stick. And by ‘on a disco stick’, I mean “in a sinking nuclear submarine, hopefully while you're wearing some designer miniskirt made out of lead and concrete”. Ok, maybe that's a bit extreme. But maybe not.

Pink: Please Don’t Leave Me

Initial Reaction: You know, if they stripped everything away except the vocals, this could pass for a country song…what the hell, I thought Pink was a badass, why is she whining about generic relationship problems? What ever happened to the whole “I guess I just lost my husband, I don’t know where he went—So I’m gonna drink my money, I’m not gonna pay his rent” spiel, from ‘So What?’ Where is the Pink I know and…uh, know?
Final Conclusion: Clearly, this one is aimed at the ladies—no surprise there. It’s got a cool laid back pixies-meets-chili-peppers feel though, and even though Pink isn’t exactly the most original or novel artists out there, she sure as hell beats out Gaga in the 'at least I don't totally fail' department. I’ll take it.

Halestorm: Halestorm

Initial Reaction: Is this Evanescence? No? ..But there’s a chick singing…did Chad Kroeger get a sex change? …hm, “I get off on you, getting off on me, give you what you want, but nothing is for free. It’s all give and take, the kinda life we make. When your line is crossed, I get off. I get off.” I am confused, and I feel dirty.
Final Conclusion: No way, couldn’t do it. This is just ridiculous. It’s obvious that this band is just Nickelback with a chick lead singer, which in turn means that it exists solely to appeal to the masses and make tons of money—neither of which they do well. ‘Halestorm’ needs to fire their writers and marketing team, because with lyrics like this, they’re only appealing to nymphomaniac masochistic freaks, deaf people, and any combination of the two. That’s not just bad music, it’s bad business.

Disclaimer:
This article has nothing to do with Chris Crocker or his infamously moronic circa 07' youtube video, and I don’t actually care about ‘leaving Britney alone’. In fact, if I try to think of something I care less about than the trials and tribulations of Britney Spears, I spontaneously shit my pants and go into a temporary coma because my mind can’t comprehend anything that could possibly be more trivial and meaningless. I'm shamelessly referencing the ‘leave Britney alone’ meme because it simultaneously draws attention to itself and serves the general purposes of this article—i.e. to attempt a witty, entertaining, and largely unsuccessful defense of music that is ostensibly and frequently described as “shitty” by the indie crowd. I also (again, shamelessly) thought it was a clever enough reference to justify going through the trouble of writing this stupid disclaimer, and to have you waste your time reading it, just so I could use it with impunity and retain any pop culture street cred I imagine myself to have. God, I’m an arrogant bastard.

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