The most ubiquitous violent offender since Jack the Ripper, known the world over only by the alias “Waldo”, has finally been brought to justice. The prime suspect for dozens of robberies, stabbings, illegal drug transactions, and (most notoriously) assaults on family restaurants and their employees, “Waldo” was apprehended late last night at a Charlie Brown’s Steakhouse in Wayne, NJ, for sexually harassing the maitre de, causing a lewd public disturbance and attempting to bludgeon a bus boy to death “because he looked at [him] funny."

It was confirmed that “Waldo” was a perfect match with prior DNA evidence seized from restaurant crime scenes over the past decade and a half, including the infamous Applebee’s massacre of ’97 and Ruby Tuesday Bombings of ’04 and ‘06. Waldo was taken into custody early this morning. All of his personal belongings were seized by police officials for investigation. Upon examining his birth certificate, it was revealed that “Waldo” is actually an alias for his real name, Don Mauricio Spumoni. He is also known as “No Tip Don” to local gangsters and the “Diner Bandit” by the owners of the establishments which he frequents. One eyewitness account, still being investigated for accuracy, details an incident in a Friendly’s restaurant in Pompton Plains, NJ, in which Mr. Spumoni allegedly clubbed two waitresses with his cane for not complying with his incessant and violent demands for a “happy ending."

Allegations were formally brought against Mr. Spumoni early this morning, but his crimes over the years have been so perverse in their nature, and so frequent in their occurrence, that investigators have had having trouble distinguishing fact from fiction. Recently, Mr. Spumoni’s name was linked to the sordid defacement of the nativity scene at a local church, in which the heads and torsos of the three wise men, the baby Jesus, the Virgin Mary, her husband Joseph, and two goats were found skewered onto wooden canes and hastily girded with red and white striped sweaters and matching beanies.

Given the frequency and severity of the crimes committed by Mr. Spumoni, it is unclear to police investigators exactly how he was able to avoid being arrested for so long. Many cite his notorious, chameleon-like ability to flawlessly blend in with his surroundings. When asked about how Mr. Spumoni was able to elude the law for nearly two decades, resident 90’s expert Arian Murati explained that baggy, two-toned clothing—especially sweaters—was a pervasive and defining clothing style during the time that “Waldo” was starting to make a name for himself as a delinquent; this most likely contributed to Mr. Spumoni’s ability to seemingly disappear into the masses at a moment’s notice, and enabled him maintain a life of crime.

Additionally, since revered defense attorney Johnnie Cochrane is no longer with us, it should be noted that Mr. Spumoni has absolutely no chance of evading the charges being brought against him, ever, and that with all expediency, he will be incarcerated in the New Jersey State Prison for life.

At least now we know where the hell he is.

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