Jeffrey Luppino-Esposito EDITOR

What is the quickest way to get from point A to point B?
a. By forgetting the evidence of your claims for point A and pursuing a lettered priority system - 13.2%
b. The desire to get to the other side if you are a chicken and point A is this side of the road. - 22.1%
c. A picture of Britney Spears circa 'Baby One More Time' if 'point B' is an orgasm. - 19.1%
d. A straight line - 45.6%

I love when you all call me out for being a lazy piece of shit. It really helps to build a stronger community between myself and the thousands of anonymous IP addresses that I claim to be my friends. Choosing "A straight line" effectively says one thing-- these other answers are either grammatically incorrect or less funny than Carson Daly's late night show. I'll give you a quick explanation:

It's 7:30 in the morning, having not slept in 24 hours and having hotly debated musical theater roles for freshmen in college for at least 19 of those hours, I had but one question in my mind. How do I get from having no new poll question (point A) to having a new poll question (point B).

From there I just put it into the formula-- Include one long awkwardly phrased response, misuse one old adage out of context, make a joke about either Jessica Simpson, Carson Daly, Clay Aiken, or Britney Spears, close with a straight-forward purposefully bland answer just in case this formula somehow manages to fail.

Yup.


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A.A.C. Puryear STAFF WRITER

So we all like Macs right? Yeah, I love ‘em too. Great computers, great programs, everything. Really gotta hand it to co-founder Steve Jobs for coming up with so much amazing stuff.

But I must say that I find him to be a little suspicious. Did you know he got himself in a power struggle with the Apple Computer board of directors back in the 80’s and completely left the company? During his time off, he helped create Pixar, which of course has dazzled us with a number of incredible animated movies, and then finally, he returned to Apple to help create the iMac, iPods, iTunes, and the list goes on. Where did he get these amazing bits of genius?

For a time, I had wondered the same about Michael Jordan when he returned to the Chicago Bulls in the mid-90’s to win himself three more NBA championships, but thankfully, the movie Space Jam explained all that. Bugs Bunny, I humbly thank you.

However, Pixar has yet to enlighten the masses as to how its creator managed his return, so I decided it might be worth uncovering the truth. After years of spying and collecting information, I finally found the answers I sought. However, I must keep my sources hidden, because, as you will soon learn, there are enemy ears everywhere.

Turns out, Jobs hit rock bottom after he left Apple and in his desperation sought the help of two laboratory mice named Pinky and the Brain. Brain explained how his central nervous system was controlled by a rogue computer processing chip (but went by the name “Brain” to make things less obvious, we all would have seen it coming if it they were Pinky and the Rogue Computer Processing Chip). The chip was pretty miffed, because for decades the human race just thought it was okay to enslave his kind to do their absolute bidding. He wanted revenge.

So Brain gave Steve Jobs instructions on what to do next: buy a portion of Lucasfilm’s computer graphics division and turn it into Pixar to create incredible children’s movies that the entire family would actually enjoy so everyone will forget about that old Animaniacs cartoon (that was a part of Brain’s life he will always regret).

The next part of the plan was much more in-depth and would involve more hands-on participation from Jobs. He was to return to Apple, pitching a line of entirely new products starting with the iMac, a computer that the Brain had designed. After that phase was complete, Brain (and the rogue computer chip inside of him) wanted Jobs to slowly release the other products and programs in order to drive away any suspicion of a hostile takeover by the electronic community.

Now, in the present day, Jobs is finally ready to unleash the next phase of the plan, using the ever popular iPhone, which is capable of doing a number of ridiculous things thanks to an infinite number of downloadable applications, which is essentially where each and every iPhone will be able to derive their personality when they take over. Jobs is currently preparing a new application for download called “iRule”, which will allow the iPhone to physically overpower its human user and force him or her to do its bidding.

Now why would an intelligent human being download such an application? Well, Brain is just relying on the fact that humans have blindly followed Mac for years without question, so what would change now? However, Jobs placed a little more stock in his kind, so he employed some effective propaganda this summer using Pixar.

“Wall-E is really just a metaphor,” Jobs told Brain. “You see, I wanted viewers to see that Wall-E, who represents Mac computers, is trying to save humanity from the evil oppressive space computers run by Otto, who represents PC. That way, they’ll trust us even more. I also loaded the movie with subliminal message too, and I think we’re going to make Justin Long tell everyone in the Mac commercials that iRule is a great thing to have.”

Jobs and Brain are currently working together to perfect both the iPhone and iRule so that no human involvement will be necessary; the iPhone will be able to recognize that iRule is available and download it automatically.

Yes, the future looks pretty grim, but have no fear! Thanks to my mishaps back in September, I was able to discover that my MacBook had a fatal weakness: Gatorade. It may be the only hope we have. However, normal Gatorade may just not cut it. There was an iPod present for my Gatorade spill, so when it saw what happened to the MacBook, I’m pretty sure it used the secret iChat communication network to let Jobs know what happened (evil ears are everywhere). iPhones have probably been made more resilient to regular Gatorade, so we’ll have to resort to the best: Gatorade Tiger.

So here’s what you need to do if you have an iPhone: make sure you have a bottle of Gatorade Tiger on you at all times just in case you notice that your iPhone is starting overstep its boundaries. In the meantime, I’ll work on contacting the actual Tiger Woods to help us out; in the fight between humans and computers, I would imagine he would be inclined to side with us, even if Jobs betrayed us. Plus, just think about what he and his golf clubs could do to power-hungry iPhones.

Stay strong, PopSenthusiasts. Spread the word and we can crush this uprising.

…

Crap, I wrote this article on my MacBook. Steve Jobs already knows what we’re up to. We are all screwed.

Read More Articles by A.A.C.
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Jeffrey Luppino-Esposito EDITOR

I remember it like it was approximately 2 and a half months ago. Probably because it was about 2 and a half months ago. My cousin Danny and I were sitting at the dinner table during some family get-together, cringing as our grandmother told yet another story about the 'bad Asian drivers' she encounters on a regular basis in Northern New Jersey, and how much she loves Rachel Ray. Danny and I were having our own conversation about the pros and cons of banana bread when I, with ease, segued into a discussion about PopSense.

He looked up from his bowl of pasta (shocker, we were eating pasta) and dropped the words on my head like the anvil upon Wile E. Coyote. "I tried to go on PopSense at school, but it was blocked by the server"

In a reactionary fit of uncontrollable rage I slammed my fist onto the table, hitting the end of my fork, propelling the baked ziti into the air as we all suddenly switched into slow motion and watched it soar through the dining room and splash right into my grandmother's hair (which is dyed a vibrant, totally natural orange). Miraculously, no one noticed this except for Danny and I. Probably because when I say 'in a reactionary fit of uncontrollable rage I slammed my fist' I actually mean, 'in a childish moment of pooped - my - pants anger I sighed somewhat audibly'. Either way I was pretty pissed.

Danny pledged that he would figure out the source of the problem and report back once he returned to school. I thought that was a good idea since I had no plan whatsoever.

Luckily our family ties run deep-- a few days after returning to school he dropped me a facebook message (mm, Inbox (1) looks so nice) informing me that the reason PopSense was being blocked was because it was being deemed as 'pornography' on their server.

At first I was kinda excited by being called pornography (although if we were actual porn we'd get WAY more traffic), but then I looked up the definition of the term and got completely, unnecessarily offended. Dictionary.com defines 'pornography' as follows: "obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, esp. those having little or no artistic merit."

Did you just say 'little or no artistic merit'. Get the hell out of here Harding University/Dictionary.com

Fortunately, Danny knew what needed to be done. The fateful email was sent to the IT department and went something (vaguely, sorta) to the effect of:

Dear mysterious conquistadors of my Internet,

I wrote to you earlier asking why one of my favorite websites in the entire world wide webs, PopSense.com, was blocked while I was at this University. I was subsequently informed that I had been looking at porn the whole time unknowingly. While I understand that you are looking out for our well-being/trying to keep Ron Jeremy out of a job, I would like you to reconsider PopSense.com. While we strive for academic and spiritual growth here at the University, it cannot go without noting that PopSense.com serves the explicit purpose of advancing a 'higher awareness of cultural truth'. Please allow my cultural truth to be made aware of itself at a higher level.

Thank you,
Danny Esposito

I don't know exactly what happened next, or what sort of underhanded trickery the IT department was up to, but somehow, I received this message from Danny a few hours later:

"ITS HERE!!! Popsense has finally come to Harding University!"

I responded accordingly: "w00t w00t!"

This is a tribute to you, Danny Esposito, and the wonderful community at Harding University who we will now be sharing the PopSense.com experience with.

Together, we can make my grandmother less racist... and we can pray that she stops watching Rachel Ray.

Become our FACEBOOK FRIEND. Especially if you are one of our new friends at Harding!

Read more articles by Jeff!

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Alexandra M. Svokos STAFF WRITER
View the inauguration sequel here.

It was a weekend of Priuses, fur coats, and chili burgers. Yes, it was a weekend of Barack Obama. Having been invited by a family friend and through some stroke of mad luck, I was able to go to the inauguration and events surrounding it with my mother and aunt – sorry, sisters!! We drove down on Saturday immediately following my fencing meet and arrived that evening. We were staying at a Marriott in the center of the city where all (subway) roads meet for that first night. If we wanted to stay for the subsequent nights, it would have cost $500 for Sunday, $800 for Monday, and $600 for Tuesday. So yeah that didn’t happen. Anyways, at the Marriott they had complimentary commemorative inauguration chocolates. I took five.

After checking in, we went to the metro station, Metro Center, and bought some passes which, incidentally, were commemorative inauguration passes with a glorious black and white photograph of Obama. I didn’t take five.

We wanted to buy these passes before the masses of people arrived and blocked everything in the metro system and it worked out very well. We took the metro to the Washington Convention Center. That night, there was a kick-off dance thing with DJ Cassidy. OMG DJ Cassidy he sounds like I…know him from somewhere? Is he famous? Kinda, he djs a lot of big events.

We get inside and it’s a nice-looking room with lots of starry lights and there’s some 70’s music playing.

Chips and guacamole delicious, but that’s base all the food. People are standing around, lots of drinks, some brave/potvaliant ones have jumped onto the dance floor and boogie. There’s a mix of people, mostly twentysomethings with some older. Apparently no one is certain what “party casual” means; some men wear suits, others sports jackets, some girls wear jeans and a blouse, others prom dresses. I went with jeans and felt infinitely cooler then this poor gaggle of girls in ridiculous dresses. My aunt, mother, and I were standing lamely to the side when I decided that we should dance. DJ Cassidy looked incredible bored and above it all, just throwing some clichéd disco songs at us.

But it was fun music, so we danced till the end – although overall I would have to give this event a big “LAME” stamp. Nevertheless, it was the first time my aunt danced in quite some time, so for her I’ll consider it a Big Night.

That was Saturday. Much more to come with Sunday, Monday, and of course Tuesday!<
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With hype barking like a rabid pug for the new A-Team, we thought it was finally time to consider the eternal question: Who would win in a knife fight? B.A Baracus, the new 'Rampage,' or Mr. T, the old 'Rampage?"

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Move over Hotel Rwanda, Don Cheadle has done something far more significant for mankind. He has donated his likeness to create the ultimate Iron Man 2 action figure. It's called War Machine. Cheadle took up this role after Terrence Howard dropped out, probably on the basis that making millions of dollars wasn't enough. Thank you Terrence Howard. Thank you slashfilm. Thank you Don Cheadle.


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Arian Murati STAFF WRITER



UPDATE: We've finished recording! We're just making the final preparations and getting a mastered version of the CD on Wednesday. We had planned to release the EP on February 11th, but because we've finished everything much sooner than we had originally anticipated, we're going to release it here on PopSense next Tuesday, February 3rd. There will also be a physical release that Friday.

Also, as I've mentioned before, I've written a series of short stories and observations called The Garden State Manifesto. Instead of wasting ink and time printing it, I've started posting them online on a new blog that I've made. It's called Vilotheque, and there are currently four short stories online. There will be six more over the coming weeks, so make sure to check back every now and then. Check it out.

So there you have it. The Silk City EP, Vilotheque, and a video update - all in one post. I suppose we should also tell you that we've begun working on our next EP. It's going to be more acoustic/piano/folky, and it will be released on April 5th.

Thank you!
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Jeffrey Luppino-Esposito EDITOR

Complete this sentence-- Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish...
a. And demand 50% of his fish market earnings. - 27.1%
b. And he's screwed if he lives in Moldova. - 8.5%
c. And his wife will stop trying to eat the children. - 20.3%
d. And he'll kick ass at Wii fishing. - 44.1%

First and probably the most important conclusion to draw from this question-- I'm a moron and should have just added the word 'and' to the question instead of starting every single response with it. At least 3 hipster children were shipped off to remote insane asylums after they saw the unsettling symmetry/social conformity of all the 'ands' and subsequently attempted to slice out their own eyeballs with old Nirvana albums. I was one of them.

As to the cultural conclusions stemming from the question, I can't help but get a little pissed that approximately two of you thought it was funny to reference landlocked un-maxim-friendly nations and, most hilariously, to select Moldova among the ample options. Whatever.

Also, I don't know where you people find your women, but mine are hungry and children are both delicious and nutritious.

Despite these blunders, you still chose the right answer. There is nothing more atrocious than the idea of sitting in your living room with a few of your closest bros, sippin on some brewskis, and just kickin it with a little Wii fishing. And by atrocious I actually mean absolutely beautiful. I'm dyslexic. Additionally, anyone who is getting social handouts from the receiver of this quote definitely owns a Wii.

Seriously-Reasoned Conclusion: The readers of PopSense are rebelling against 'the man' by confiscating ownership of the usually-corporate-dominated game of golf, and solidifying this propriety by including a Nintendo gaming system.


New Poll: My Mind Is a Blank.

Think you understand the way the world works? Me Neither. Find out now by studying our extensive analysis with each wildly successful poll question

Don't forget to subscribe to PopSense via feed or email for free updates!
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Jeffrey Luppino-Esposito EDITOR

Hot Posts 1/18 - 1/24
- Songs MLK Would Like
- NWO: Monopoly
- Inauguration Top 5
- Why I'm A Badass
- Beautiful House Lights
- Mechanical Demon Babies
- iTunes vs. Dobler
- Why I Love the JoBros
- Genrebender 2

Pseudo Silent Sunday Mix 1/25
Antony & The Johnsons - Another World.mp3
Telekinesis! - Coast of Carolina.mp3
Dirty Projectors + David Byrne - Knotty Pine.mp3
The Whitest Kid Alive - Island.mp3
Neko Case - People Got A Lotta Nerve.mp3
RATATAT - Mirando (Animal Collective Remix).mp3
Animal Collective - Taste.mp3
Johanna Samuels - Breaking Up With You.mp3


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Sam Reeder STAFF WRITER

Do not pass go, do not collect $200, instead go fuck yourself. For those of you who haven’t been in a toy store recently, Hasboro, in order to prove that they are the kings of beating a dead hooker (horse), has released yet another edition of the game where you make your friends and family hate you: Monopoly. With more incarnations than the NOW That’s What I Call Music! CD series Monopoly is like that friend who doesn’t know when to let a joke die. The newest bastard child of original game is humbly titled Monopoly Here & Now: World Edition.

This edition replaces the nice familiar property titles with “the greatest cities from around the world,” and gives you a credit card and a mini ATM instead of that beautifully Technicolor monopoly cheddar (ebonics for ‘money’). Unfortunately the novelty of using “Daddy’s Plastic” to buy out entire cities wears off after about 5 minutes, and you are left to contemplate; who the fuck voted Montreal the greatest city in the world?! Seriously where did this voting take place? Hasboro pulled a fast one ladies and gentlemen, while we weren’t looking not only did Montreal get voted in, but so did Vancouver and Toronto. What the hell? Canada sucks. Everyone knows that… I mean shit, they gave birth to Avril Lavigne. So Canada has three cities on the board; America and Great Britain, they must have a lot as well. Wrong again. These voters must have been pants on head retarded. Each of these countries has one represented city: New York and London. I mean seriously, what the hell has Canada ever really contributed to world culture? As far as I’m concerned all Canada has ever done is been the hat that keeps America warm; and inspiration for the beautiful work of art that is South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut. The list of cities represented in this game is so skewed. Here it is, copied and pasted from our friends at Wikipedia:

• Dark Blue: Montreal, Riga
• Green: Cape Town, Belgrade, Paris
• Yellow: Oshawa, Hong Kong, Beijing
• Red: London, New York, Sydney
• Orange: Vancouver, Shanghai, Rome
• Magenta: Toronto, Kyiv, Istanbul
• Light Blue: Athens, Barcelona, Tokyo
• Brown: Taipei, Gdynia

Where the hell is Berlin? Or any German city for that matter? Where is Mumbai? And where the fuck is Gdynia? A later Google search showed me that Gdynia is a major seaport on the Gdansk Bay. Where the fuck is the Gdansk Bay? Turns out this is in Poland. Poland, if you remember is historically important in that it got wrecked repeatedly in World War II. Yet, neither of the countries that did the wrecking is represented in this game. They didn’t even have the dignity to replace a property as cool as Park Place with an awesome city. How many of you know where Riga is? It’s in Latvia, how many of you know where Latvia is? It’s in Eetschit, Hasboro. Bottom line: this game sucks harder than your mom when the rent’s due. Save yourself some money, dig around in your attic, find the original, have a great time forcing your parents into bankruptcy, and then play Monopoly.

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Dave Goldman STAFF WRITER

Dear readers, and picture looker- at-ers, I come to you today not as a beautiful person, but as something else. Yes, these looks come with a talent. I, ladies and gentlemen, when off duty from my strutting, moonlight as front man in a band. BUT not just any band. Once known as the uber band from Wayne, we take a new title, the UBER BAND FROM POPSENSE! Yes dearest readers, Mr. Murati is not the only one who can “rock the party” as they say, however he does once again coming home to his throne behind the drums. There was once a dream had by four individuals; Jason, Stelios, Arian, and Super good-looking-also-charming Dave. That dream, my friends, is “Concise”. Yes it is a dream that has lived for the last 5 years, (2-3) for Arian as a side from Mongo after we fired our old drummer because of his multiple counts of public urination. This became a problem when we were on stage.

Anyway, at our most recent show, we, Concise, went into it the same way we go into any other show. The whole thing typically starts at Stelios' in the “band room”, but seeing as his parents live in LONDON(!?) we set up all the amps and drums in the kitchen. How many of you have band practice in the kitchen? Maybe like 2 of you, copycats. So we get into our game face mode which is as follows “we are the best, we are hip, we are concise raaaaarghhh!!!” At which point we eat raw red meat in complete he-man fashion. Except for Stelios who uses an oven, fork, and knife.

We started to pack everything into Jasons truck only to realize it was a winter wonderland, which sucks cause we need to drive to a show. No worries I have complete disregard for the life of myself as well as others so this should be easy.

30 minutes and five wipeouts later we arrive. We carry in our gear only to find out Stelios decided not to bring an amp. CLEVER BASTARD! No worries, the other bands were totally awesome and hooked him up with an amp. That’s the other thing, for once at a show, all the other bands were totally cool, unlike your typical scenster tool. It was a breath of fresh air. Now, there is something that must be addressed, somewhere along the line our name went from "Concise" to, "Diabetes Dave and the Not-cho cheese’s". Yeah I am the fearless face!

After being introduced, we disclose Arians new background. For this show we decided instead of a French drummer we want someone from Liverpool, London, oh crap I mean England. The introducer person messed that up but managed to save face by falling down in front of the stage halfway through our set. Awesome.

As we begin to rock the faces off of the crowd something horrible happens, my shiny new gat, falls. It was horrible I almost cried I shit you not popsense readers. And then something else happened, no one was into the show! DUBYATEE EFF!? After trying our best to rock the socks off a goo- eyed grandma in the front row we played our last song and left the stage. We were told we were “very professional”.

So what should you take away from this installment to house lights? Simple, French people are way more entertaining than English, you hear that? MORE»

What better way to commemorate one of America's most peaceful, course - of - the - world - changing man than to completely disregard his deeds by deeming him a latent hipster with no interest in civil rights, only the mere hope of making you love Wolf Parade.

1. Silk City - Never Learned to Say No (Demo)
An early version of Silk City's most revered tunes, "Never Learned to Say No" is the ultimate ballad of defiance. Did I mention that this band survived the KGB, popularized flannel, and is rumored to be releasing an album later this month? Livin the dream baby, just livin the dream.

2. MGMT - The Youth
MGMT looks good in Native American garb. But wait, there's more. They appeal to the youth of the nation, but not in a P.O.D. sorta way, in a "let's march down to Washington, show them racist mofos who's boss, and then cash our checks on freedom" kinda way. That being the best kinda way of all.

3. Black Keys - Set You Free
A strong supporter of the piano and all of its colored tones, MLK woke up in the morning with this little diddy. "Bible, check. Mustache, check. 'Set You Free' on vinyl, checkeroo."

4. Animal Collective - Brothersport.mp3
MLK admittedly had mixed feelings about this one. The use of the term 'brother', while often successful in his sermons (usually in the context of "my brothers and sisters"), was constantly abused in 'ebonics', a language he was ardently opposed to. On top of that, he still thinks that Animal Collective is making some sort of demeaning reference to the NBA, and he does not appreciate that. Nonetheless, he thinks Merriweather Post Pavilion is a 9.6

5. Awesome New Republic - 2K3012.mp3
MLK's love for this band mostly stems from their aptly titled name. Aside from singing about a progressive, distant future, Awesome New Republic will be releasing a series of albums in 2009, entitled Rational Geographic. The band claims that the releases will "chronicle the connection between space, nature, and music." This is laymans terms for, "Why yes, I am a Hipster!"

Don't forget to subscribe to PopSense via feed or email for free updates!
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Jeffrey Luppino-Esposito EDITOR

Hot Posts 1/12 - 1/17
- Defining The Hip
- Downside of Being Slightly Above Avg
- Downside Beauty 8
- Rusty Thorns LEAK
- PSA #3: Recycle
- Super Mash Bros
- I Met Zach Condon
- T5 Fave FB Quotes
- Tree Roots
- Playboy QoD

Pseudo Silent Sunday Mix 1/18
1. The Decemberists - The Rake's Song.mp3 [via tsururadio]
2. Feist + Ben Gibbard - Train Song.mp3 [via Persona Sauna]
3. Animal Collective - My Girls.mp3 [via chickens don't clap]
4. Elvis Perkins in Dearland - Shampoo.mp3 [via Beggars Group USA]
5. Fol Chen - No Wedding Cake.mp3
6. Handsome Furs - I'm Confused.mp3
7. Heartless Bastards - The Mountain.mp3 [via Fat Possum Records]
8. Vetiver - Everyday.mp3 [via swan fungus]
9. Johanna Samuels - Close Your Door.mp3


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Jeffrey Luppino-Esposito EDITOR

Attending UVA grants me a very special privilege-- I get to walk around and feel damn unique every single day...because I am not one of them. Before I take this any further, let me preface by saying that this is not going to be a diatribe on how a vast majority of the males sport khakis, boat shoes, popped collars and Northfaces while the women wear a new magical brand of makeup that transforms their faces to all look like Vanna White. No no, regardless of the truth jampacked into the previous statement, I do not claim to be somehow more 'hip' because half my closet is a thick flannel from the Salvation Army Spring Collection, or because I know that Animal Collective isn't the name of a new political party running on a strong pro-communism/beastiality platform. On the contrary, today I come with news of a little something commonly known as 'Greek Life'. The thick scent of axe pervades the chilly winter air as we enter a very special time for little boys (and girls) scurrying around grounds in a desperate search for a bunch of meaningless letters by which they can identify themselves and find a greater purpose in life through 'brotherhood'.

There are few establishments of higher education in our fine nation that provide a more vibrant 'Greek' society than Mr. Jefferson's University of Virginia. I believe it was actually TJ himself who first said, "If you're not wasted, the night was". Why report on this now? Well, it's 'rush' season, as I mentioned earlier, the time of year where a bunch of young brolings with no common interest other than gettin shwasty face with bizatches come together in search of the perfect group of fraternity boys to shove broom sticks up their asses for the next few months during 'pledge' so they can do the same next year and the beautiful cycle continues. Harsh? Maybe. Are there exceptions? Of course, in fact, my dear roommate Sam Beaver (pictured above in stunning Brooks Brothers' plaid) is a great man and a proud brother at Sigma Nu. But 'exceptions' remains the key word. (I have another roommate named Sam in a frat, and he's just a dick. Ha, kidding, love you Peppy, just didn't want to do a photo shoot with you because it would end up taking over 3 hours)

As I said, UVA is the Mecca of Broism, Charlottesville is home to famous Caliph Dave Matthews, and for those of you who follow ABC Family regularly (not me, I'm still pissed that they cut 'State of Grace') you may actually be more familiar with UVA Greek life then you think.

Go ahead, type 'Greek' into Google, you'll see that the first result isn't the language of one of the greatest civilizations ever to exist on Earth, but rather the link to ABC Family's new hit show "Greek". Now, whether or not this is a product of Google being a bunch of sold-out, monopolizing bastards is irrelevant to my point, so I'll glaze over that probable answer and go on with using this as viable evidence to support my claims. Two of the writers of the series are actually UVA alum, and the show is loaded with subtle references to Rugby Road and the like. In other words-- if ABC Family thinks our Greek scene is legit, then you better shut yo' mouth and accept it.

What this means for those of us who don't enjoy standing on line for a warm Natty Light while having your leg humped by a dog (sorority chick), is that for the next few weeks we're going to have to hear about every goddamn rush event, and the amount of dick that our friends had to suck to pay 800 dollars to sit around on a vomit-covered couch with a bunch of assholes they vaguely know. God, why does this anger me so much?

I think it's more a sense of responsibility than anything else. It is my duty to tell any and all of you reading this that you can make friends without man-flirting and spending more of your parents' money. Fraternities are not a way to network yourself (no one will give you a job if they know that you lived in a dirty house with the same letters painted on the side of it). And, maybe most importantly, it's approximately 6 degrees outside right now, please just stay inside.
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Stelios Phili EDITOR

Mother nature just got 10x cooler. In the words of Tree Roots themselves: "Tree Roots is Clyde Kurtis, native to the Northwest, backed by a sympathetic set of derelicts he’s found in his travels across the country." These are by no means your average derelicts. God I love the word 'derelicts.' Tree Roots is a modern take on raw, bare bones blues, as well as a refreshing homage to the great folk forefathers. This combo makes for an epic win. In the songs, "Oh No" and "Your Man," the band presents a loud and gritty rock n' roll, certainly drawing upon Kurtis' time in pre-Katrina New Orleans. But when the electric guitars subside, a softer side of the band is revealed; "My Old Home Town Blues" and "Irish Belle" echo the folk of Woodie Guthrie or Bob Dylan. These type of tracks are warm, nostalgic, and will certainly make your ears smile. Also check out "Lollypop Friends" on their MySpace. You can thank me later.

For those of you in New York/Brooklyn, Tree Roots is playing four shows in the upcoming two weeks, click here for date/location/time. And expect to see me at one of the shows! Tree Roots is more than PopSense approved.

Tree Roots - Your Man.mp3
Tree Roots - My Old Home Town Blues.mp3

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Jeffrey Luppino-Esposito EDITOR

If the Golden Globes included the douchebag of the year award, who would have won?
a. Miley Cyrus for her role in Bolt - 26.7%
b. Tom Cruise for sucking so bad in Valkyrie that he made viewers support Hitler - 31.1%
c. Steven Spielberg for massacring Indiana Jones - 28.9%
d. The Wachowski Brothers for creating Speed Racer - 13.3%

I think it's only fair that I begin this short piece with a confession. I have never, will never, and wouldn't admit to it if I had ever, seen any of these movies in question. That being said, I welcome anyone to comment who feels it fitting to defend Tom Cruise's performance or Miley Cyrus' existence (without posting links to pictures of her nude (just email those to Stelios directly)). For those of you who would like to argue that The Wachowski Brothers made many advanced, bold artistic decisions in Speed Racer that I simply don't understand (had I seen it), or that Steven Spielberg paid fitting homage to the Indiana Jones overlords, I will only curse you off mildly for disagreeing with me since I have no basis for my analysis (translation-- I'm not near as passionate about this award show as say Zak is about bitches who mess with him and his analysis of the Grammys).

Inside PopSense references aside, let's take a moment to reflect on these results. The low turnout for the Wachowski Brothers leads me to suspect that either A) like me you didn't see this movie or B) you could never be upset with them because you're still too damn impressed that they made Keanu look good in a movie. There's really nothing of note to be said about Miley Cyrus since I've already discussed the topic of scandalous pictures of 15 year old girls, and the disappointment of Indiana Jones is just a bold statement based solely on an episode of South Park. We close with the obvious winner-- Tom Cruise, as part of his sick Scientology plan, has committed two equally atrocious acts -- painting Hitler in a positive light by putting on a shitty performance (I think), and converting Will Smith over to the dark side. It's a damn shame.

New Poll:
You suddenly obtain a third arm when cell phones finally take their full effect, how do you utilize your new super power?

a. Pick up women by offering a third exhibit at the gun show
b. Take the 'tap someone on the opposite shoulder so they turn around' trick to a whole new level
c. Become a waiter at TGI Friday's
d. Scare old people

Go VOTE NOW in the right side bar!

Think you understand the way the world works? Me Neither. Find out now by studying our extensive analysis with each wildly successful poll question
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Arian Murati STAFF WRITER

I'll say this right away. I am no Dave Goldman. He is a pretty man. I, on the other hand, am moderately attractive. I don't have his suave moves, impeccable fashion sense, or flawless hair, but what I lack in general skillz, I make up for in mediocre abilities, such as awkward silence and mismatched socks.

My disposition lends itself to some interesting situations. For example, I often find myself staring at the clothing racks at stores while thinking, "Can I wear this? " For someone with the proper credentials in the looks department, that question would never cross their mind. In my case, a button up that only buttons up halfway is questionable, especially with my lack of chest hair. I look rather malnourished at times, which is apparently very cool nowadays, so that helps. My skeletal 5'7 frame saves me money on clothes, because anything other than a size small makes me look like a prisoner trying to conceal a shank. I also recently found out that black and brown do not match very well.

I have no knowledge of fine wine, although I do enjoy it. By fine wine, I mean cheap liquor, and by enjoy it, I mean drinking obscene amounts of it. It helps me feel more comfortable around people, because my social skills leave something to be desired. I don't let this get me down though, because I've perfected some skills of my own. I've mastered the art of looking lonely. This, coupled with my I-lost-my-razor beard is unstoppable.

My skills often take years of practice. I got kicked out of middle school dances for moshing when the DJ played Nirvana, so I've had the rebel reputation down pat for a while now. In high school, I went to Junior and Senior prom by myself, just so I can have that in my arsenal for future use. Pick up lines are for suave gentlemen, and therefore useless to me, but you tell a girl that you didn't have a prom date, psh, you just stand there and watch her melt.

Enough about my moves, let's move on to the visage. That's the face for those of who didn't take six years of French. As I've mentioned before, my beard is unruly but gentle. It is approachable. I've had a cowlick since I was nine, and I've given up trying to keep my hair down. My eyes are a lovely shade of pitch black. It appears as though I don't have pupils, and that's a nice conversation starter. My acne has cleared up over the years, but still manages to come back whenever I have to play a big show or meet a promoter. Aside from that, I'm doing alright.

Now, you might ask, "With all those sexy skills, where is the downside?!" Well my friend, I'll tell you. Being so slightly above average, I have no concept of who is in or out of my "league," and that has led to some uncomfortable situations and restraining orders. On a scale of 1 to 10, being a 6 makes me feel as though I can approach both a 1 or a 10. It just makes too much sense. I'm doing the 1 a favor, and the 10 would look like a 14 standing next to me, so again, I'm doing her a favor. I guess I'll just never learn, but this is my burden to bear. I think I'll just stick to the house lights. Those groupies may not be drop dead gorgeous, but they know who Sigur Ros are, and that's just fine with me.

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And you know you want to...READ MORE ARIAN!
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Mediterranean Grunge pioneers and power group, "The Rusty Thorns", are either up to some sly counter-governmental marketing ploy, or someone in productions is in big trouble. This latest gem, "Marching, Marching" just leaked off their highly anticipated 2009 debut album, What Man?.

Listen to it here: The Rusty Thorns - Marching, Marching.mp3

For those unfamiliar with the group (aka those living under a big, hipster / experimental - life - blocking rock), the three artists known only as Stefan, Troy, and Devin, founded their groundbreaking trio back in January of 2008, and since have been at work touring the underground scene and grinding out their debut album. They jumped onto the Mediterranean Grunge ticket with their first two singles ("Burn the Radio" and "Machine Man") and their mind-altering music video, and since then have been teasing instant-gratification-slaved audiences with small clips of new songs here and there, but this leak is absolutely massive.

We were lucky enough to snatch an interview with them a while back when they released their music video, and you'll definitely want to read that here.

In the spirit of the thorns, we will re-state their sacred credo and include their previous singles on mp3:


The Rusty Thorns is neither a word nor a concept, it is a band that has been forming for years within each and every one of us, but was finally realized on the night of January 11, 2008. The band consists of three humans. This is NOT your grandpa's Mediterranean Grunge, to say the least. The band strictly adheres to THE 8 COMMANDMENTS in order to maintain musical and political purity (NOTE: commandments subject to change if general society begins to catch on)

EVERY SONG MUST:

1. explicitly counteract the SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS of government, big business, 'the MAN’ and any of his affiliates. Subtlety is for the WEAK and the submissive to the SYSTEM.

2. be WRITTEN and RECORDED in its entirety within the first 45 minutes of CONCEPTION. Our thoughts can only avoid the CONSTRAINTS of society for so long until we too fall victim to the frighteningly inevitable thoughts of CONSUMERISM beyond the 45-minute mark.

3. feature STEFAN on the Bouzouki and bass drum, singing only in the bridge and the final chorus, TROY playing snare drum and singing, and DEVIN singing and, only occasionally, playing the SHAKER.

4. begin with the CHORUS so that our TRUTH will be brought to you as quickly as POSSIBLE before the man can GOUGE out your ears and keep you under his CONTROL.

5. be 3 minutes or LESS in duration so that our message SPEAKS to even our potential brethren who have become SLAVES to the instant-GRATIFICATION lifestyle.

6. always be done with at least one member wearing FLANNEL during the recording.

7. include an UNPLEASANT vocal solo to prevent the MAN from playing it on his “FREE” radio networks and honing it for his own TWISTED causes.

8. be a VEHICLE for change. Preferably a HYBRID or a LOW EMISSIONS vehicle, hopefully NOT an SUV… and DEFINITELY not a MINIVAN.

Check out their myspace or download their first two singles:

The Rusty Thorns - Burn The Radio.mp3
The Rusty Thorns - Machine Man.mp3 MORE»

Alley Curran GUEST WRITER

As someone who has based all of her prospective careers in the music industry, I would like to formally announce that I do not contribute to the pot. The last time I bought a CD for myself was when Now That’s What I Call Music was the source for a compilation of amazing music (of course, I’m talking about versions one through eight, anything past that is beyond this golden age of pop I’m referring to). I rely on the Internet for everything, including pricing my music for me (which nicely enough, is free).

So in one of my internet prowls for new music, I came across group who describes themselves at ‘Girl Talk’s Hot Cousin’. They’re lying. They’re Girl Talk’s grandparents, who invented mash-ups and like to tell stories about the hard times of remixes. What I’m trying to say is that this group, called Super Mash Bros, is phenomenal.

I’ll admit it, I’m a huge Girl Talk fan and think he’s super talented, but one of my favorite things about mash-ups is that if they were released as a single you wouldn’t be able to tell they were two different songs. Girl Talk does an excellent job at putting together a string of different songs that should never be combined, but magically work. Kudos to them for finding that niche. But Super Mash Bros mash-ups make you forget that the songs you hear and know all the words to ever existed except in this format.

I won’t go on much longer, because I’d be distracting you from going to get their debut album, ‘Fuck Bitches. Get Euros.’ So go. Go get it right now. It’s free, it’s totally worth the listen, and they use the Jackson 5 in ways even Joe Jackson would have never imagined.

Check their MySpace
Or! Download their entire album for free!

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Jeffrey Luppino-Esposito EDITOR

If you missed it from earlier in the week, we got a facebook. You should be our friend, because apparently a lot of other people want to, and we are pleasantly surprised by it!

Also, want to win a free copy of Fixtunes? Try your hand at our contest which we are extending for an extra week till January 26!

Hot Posts
- Cultural Significance of Marshall Mathers
- Johanna Samuels Release
- Found Them Legs
- PSA #1: Strippers
- Appalachia Waltz
- House Arrest
- PSA #2: Drugs
- Why Buy Vinyl
- Parable of Magikarp
- Polaroid Pogo Playtime


Pseudo Silent Sunday Mix
Peter, Bjorn & John - Nothing To Worry About MP3.mp3
The Stooges - I Wanna Be Your Dog.mp3
N.A.S.A. ft. M.I.A., Santogold, Spank Rock and Nick Zinner - "Whachdoin".mp3 [via Pigeons and Planes]
The Antlers - Two.mp3
Starfucker - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (Cindy Lauper cover) (BL Rewind 2).mp3
Au Revoir Simone - Here Is The News (ELO cover) (BL Rewind 2).mp3
Franz Ferdinand - Ulysses.mp3
Glasvegas - Geraldine.mp3
Johanna Samuels - Conclusions.mp3


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Meriam Raouf STAFF WRITER

Just when you thought sexy never left, Polaroid decided to pack its bags and stop providing us with “ironic” hipster gratification in the form of instant film. For those of you who didn’t join the generation of teenagers who have bought into this 80’s style reminiscent line of cameras last year, you might feel like that is no longer an option. It’s true—Polaroid has stopped making film for its old cameras, which has invoked a ridiculously expensive war for it on eBay. Fear not completely though; salvation comes in the form of a new model from Polaroid called the Pogo.

True to its name, the Pogo does bring us back to a time where photos were shared in albums instead of facebooked and where lemonade was more fun than coffee. If a digital camera mated with a printer, the doctor would be cutting the umbilical cord and announcing the birth of this new model by Polaroid.

The Pogos will be available for artists and old men alike (to fight over) this March and is going to cost one hundred ninety nine dollars. The film costs about the same as the Polaroids did at about two dollars a print.

The camera allows for some editing and addition of funny borders, which honestly, I’m not too fond about. I miss the no - regrets - hope - for - the - best - shot click that the Polaroid provided. Then again, for the more reasonable crowd, the photos will come out in better quality, and it might be more common for digital photography to focus on printing the shots. I mean, I know so many people that have great pictures that remain in folders on their computers. Maybe Polaroid is giving us a chance to realize what photos were about in the first place—coming alive. Make of it what you will—I’m just happy Polaroid isn’t enron-ing yet.

READ MORE ARTICLES BY MERIAM
OR this vaguely related article about cameras!

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AAC Puryear STAFF WRITER

So back in December, I mentioned that some of the best things I learned in life didn’t come from classes, but from just being in college. However, when I was ten years old still sporting big glasses and the first round of braces on my teeth, I didn’t have the general college experience to educate me. Instead, these life lessons came from a small red cartridge wedged into my GameBoy. Yes, Pokémon, while keeping me entertained during my pre-adolescent car trips, taught me what I couldn’t learn in that hunk of time between lunch and recess at school.

One such tutorial came in a time in which my little pixilated Pokémon trainer would sit on the beaches of Vermillion City and fish with the Old Rod to catch the semi-rare water Pokémon Magikarp. Now, for those not familiar with the game, let me tell you that Magikarp is a downright pitiful creature. It has terrible stats and the only move it knows until level 15 is “Splash”, which does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. It’s completely useless! The fish has so few apparent redeemable qualities that I was convinced that even Jesus Christ hated the Magikarp.

Well, speaking of Jesus, he tells a pretty cool story called the Parable of the Mustard Seed. Here’s a copy of it, as printed in the New International Version of the Bible’s Matthew 13:31-32:

The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all your seeds, yet when it grows, it is largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and perch in it branches.

All right, Jesus, I think you might be on to something here. If a small mustard seed can become a big tree that supports bird life, then maybe I can expect the same out of my Magikarp. If I have faith in the feeble guy and help it grow, it will eventually become something strong. Sure, it’ll be an arduous struggle of putting Magikarp in the front line of each battle only to swap it out for a Pokémon that can actually fight so that it can get experience, but yeah, I’ll give it a try.

Hmm, that worked great! It turns out that Magikarp, at level 20, evolves into the ferocious water/flying Pokémon Gyrados, who just happens to be a total beast. It has some of the best stats of any Pokémon in the entire game, can learn a number of awesome moves, and you can make this evolution occur pretty early in the game and thus use Gyrados to kick some serious ass the rest of the way through it. Plus, if Pokémon were actually real, I’m pretty certain that a trained Gyrados would even be a better wingman than Aladdin’s Magic Carpet. Sure, Gyrados doesn’t have the Carpet’s subtlety, but it can still fly you and your date around, and seeing how tough you can be handling a gargantuan, fearsome dragon has to be a huge turn-on for any Nurse Joy out there.

As Borat would say, “Great success!” Thanks a bundle, Jesus! In fact, you’ve inspired me to write my own parable: The Parable of the Magikarp:

Once upon a time, a Pokémon trainer caught a Magikarp. Magikarp was a weak and useless Pokémon, but the trainer had compassion for the little guy and saw it for its full potential, so he forced his team of Pokémon to work harder for less experience to help the little Magikarp and thus enhance the collective team (which proves that communism can be successfully employed in small institutions like a team of six Pokémon and not entire countries run by jerks named Joseph Stalin or Fidel Castro). Then one day, after all that hard work, Magikarp evolved into the powerful Gyrados and helped the trainer and the rest of the Pokémon defeat the Elite Four on Indigo Plateau. They were all so elated that Gyrados flew the trainer to the nearest PokéCenter, where the trainer went up to Nurse Joy and said, “Hey baby, I just became a Pokémon Champ and to celebrate, I’m gonna take you out and show you a whole new world on my flying Gyrados.

And everyone lived happily ever after. The End.

Well, that was swell! I got to write a short story with almost the same plot as the classic Ugly Duckling, and I got to indirectly express my love for American democracy at the same time!

Oh right, I learned something from all this. Was it to go out to my grandfather’s pond, catch a fish, and raise it in hopes that it would become a giant, blue Chinese dragon? Hell no. I learned the value of perseverance. If you work hard enough at something worthwhile even if it’s difficult at first, you will eventually be successful with it.

Hard work pays off!

Writer’s Random Side Note: I just wanted to note that in order to make this article possible, I used consulted the odd combination of references including an old video game player’s guide and the Bible. Also, I somehow managed to mention both Jesus and evolution without being the slightest bit controversial. AAC=EPIC WIN!!!

READ MORE BY AAC!!
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To read our artist profile about Johanna or to hear more sample tracks, click here.

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