Every day, Pitchfork Media reviews new music. Today, PopSense decided to review Pitchfork.
Index - Jump to each section by clicking title
Top Story and Headlines - 4.6
Track Reviews - 8.1
Album Reviews - 6.8
Features - 6.2
Advertisement - 9.0
Forkcast - 5.3
OVERALL SCORE OF PITCHFORK.COM - 6.7
Unreleased Jeff Buckley Song in Tearjerker
And by "unreleased," you mean a remastered bootleg that's actually an Elton John cover song. Also, a using-lots-of-dashes-to-describe-something technique is a lazy way to describe something.
6.1Buy Billy Corgan Lunch!Doesn't say what actual cause the money is going towards, presumably it will go straight to the "Billy Corgan needs to eat since people stopped listening to the Smashing Pumpkins" fund -
4.5Is this the flaming lips album cover? - "We sure hope so" -- that's like putting a picture of Morgan Freedman and writing "We sure hope so" under a title that reads "Is this God?" - Hopeful Conjecture, Not News -
3.2Jim James to Release George Harrison Tribute
An appropriately placed beard joke and the news itself is mildly to somewhat interesting -
7.4Pavement's Spiral Stairs Preps Solo Album
"Up until now, he's never recorded an album under his own name-- or his own pseudnym. That's about to change" -- PAGING DETECTIVE OBVIOUS, THIS IS THE OBVIOUS POLICE, YES WE USE PAGERS NOW -
5.2Devandra Finishes New LP, Leaves Label
"Banhart's sixth solo LP all finished, and it's due this fall on a label to be named later" - pitchfork caveman make blatant grammatical error!
1.3Justin Vernon (Bon Iver) Side Project Announced
With actual quotes from Justin Vernon, this news piece succeeds in illuminating an exciting new release with minimal Pitchfork commentary.
Best New News - 8.7 Virgin Mobile Fest Returns -- For Free
Unable to look past their bias towards Meriweather Post Pavilion (9.6), Pitchfork blindly claims that the show's lineup "looks strong." By averaging the latest album scores of the lineup, however, we see that this festival amounts to a mere 7.46667. Looks "meh."
7.3Dirty Projectors in Auto Accident
It's not an auto-accident unless somebody is seriously injured, you sensationalizing bastards.
2.6Jay Bennett's Death: Overdose
What?? A musician dies of overdose?? Now that's news people.
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Zach Kelly understands Beck better than Beck has ever understood Beck. Noting that Beck has "employ[ed] a somberness that his original music hasn't seen in a while" is an insightfully morose observation and vivaciously demonstrates a grasp of Beck's career and the context for this reviewer to discuss the song. Still not sure how one channels something "respectfully honest"... as opposed to disrespectfully dishonest? "I was singing "Born in the U.S.A. while spitting on my dad's my E-Street Band vinyl collection. Later, I totes lied about it."
Ian Cohen paints a glorious picture with this review that is a vivid display of understanding both in regards to Bloc Party and the english language, it is a picture so vibrant and descriptive that The Mona Lisa is suddenly revealed to be the piece of crap painting that a 3 year old mentally-challenged monkey could shit out on Microsoft Paint. Like any sane assessment of Bloc Party, this review cerebrally illustrates how the band has devolved into a foolish parody of themselves as well as 90's house music. With biting truthfulness Cohen labels the song as "just another Bloc Party single," accurately describing how fans are slowly beginning to accept Bloc Party's mediocrity.
Best New Track Review When Joe Colly decided to review 'Real Estate' he must have first freed himself of his own human existence, stood up on some higher plane near his now-lifeless human self, possibly on a chair or a large stool, looked down upon his jello-y Joe Colly frame and imparted wisdom from that slightly higher vantage point to allow himself to write this remarkably enlightening review. It is far too easy for critics of "lo-fi pop" to describe songs within this genre as "the lovechild of Wavves and No Age." Fortunately, Joe Colly does not take this shortcut in assessing "Real Estate," noting the track's "warmth and texture" rather than "cloying or of-the-moment" like a, say, Japandroids song. Colly's audacity - to treat a B-side, let a alone a lo-fi beach-pop B-side as its own entity - is ambitious to say the least.
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After navigating through word choices that Brian Howe seems to have included solely to prove that he got 3, count'em, 3 Gold stars on his 8th grade Language Arts exam (see: interpenetrating, proliferate, postmortem, etc), it becomes clear that this reviewer had absolutely nothing of substance to say about this album, and instead had already decided what Tortoise had to do in order to write "an ambitious record" despite the fact that he acknowledges that "the funny thing is that for most bands [this album] would be the very definition of an ambitious record."
The review is framed by two other lol-worthy paradoxes: First, the opening paragraph overstates how influential the band has been (if they actually "garnered a level of influence in indie music that almost rivals that of Animal Collective today," it would go without explaining). Secondly, Howe closes the review by saying, "You want to see them at least risk fucking up, and acknowledging that music is played by humans. Now that Tortoise have inarguably mastered the consideration of their namesake, it might not hurt them to tap into a little of the impulsiveness of the hare." Let's try to make sense of this: Brian Howe is implying two things in the first sentence: 1) The album is perfect in every way, there are no fuck ups, and 2) as a result of (1), the members of Tortoise are not human. In the proceeding sentence we have an analogy that seems like it could make sense, until we remember that Tortoises go slowly not as a result of carefully calculating all of their choices and making safe decisions, but rather simply because they are just slow fucking animals. This pun is not effective.
Finally, here is a sentence from the review:
"Now that smuggling non-guitar genres into indie rock is commonplace, the record could feel like a postmortem of Tortoise's own influence, and the air of self-consciousness that often attends their music thickens"
I will now review the rest of the review by using this same sentence and filling in a few blanks (I'm pretty sure Howe stole this sentence from me anyway when I was totally blazed out of my mind last week, so suck on that intellectual property law)
"Now that smuggling [words that make no sense in context into music reviews] is commonplace, the [review] could feel like a postmortem of [Brian Howe's] own influence, and the air of self-consciousness that often attends [his reviews thickens]."
This review made no sense, I still know nothing about Tortoise or the thickness of their musical self-consciousness.
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The much-anticipated Stephen M. Deusner review of The Lemonheads cover album 'Varshons' is one of the most adventurously clear, wildly comprehensive, and outrageously navigable reviews to grace the screen in what could be years. Not since the release of Brent DiCrescenzo's April 30, 2000 review of Sonic Youth's NYC Ghosts and Flowers have we seen such a responsibly crafted shitting on of an album.
As Deusner flawlessly transitions from one shockingly understandable phrase to another there are moments where the reader finds themselves asking, "Wait, Holy Shit, do I actually 'get' what is being said here?" Yes, yes you do.
In the first paragraph Deusner describes one tune as a "country-tinged murder ballad"-- an image that ambitiously combines both words that make sense to normal people and and words that should be used to describe music.
This sort of phraseology throughout the review gives the reader a sense of not wanting to kill themselves midway through it.
Serious speculation is surrounding the fact that this review could very well be the best of 2k9, but while some refuse to make such a bold statement this early in the year, everyone seems to be in general agreement that it is the ultimate answer to Brian Howe's helplessly shitty review of Tortoise's "Beacons of Ancestorship"
Thanks Stephen, it looks like 2k9 is gonna be a good year after all.
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Mike McGonigal was once quoted as saying, "I am the son of God" Actually that was Jesus, but based on this review, it's really hard to tell the difference between the two of them. Opening with a lyrical discussion on eye socket fucking, McGonigal reminds all you bitches that he had his name way before JK Rowling tried to make a fool of him.
He acknowledges the fact that the 'weirdo folk-rock record' can be so strong despite its living up to being exactly that is "almost a miracle" (you can't make up this Jesus imagery, people). McGonigal displays a Deusner-y understanding of writing a review: use terms like 'pretty as hell' that make sense to regular human beings.
When describing the oft-made connection between Roberts and Will Oldham, McGonigal says that it is not "the worst comparison," which is, of course, the reviewer's impressively tactful way of saying, "Fuck you Brian Howe"
McGonigal's style throughout this review can be summed up in one word: Fuck yeah. Ok, so that's two words, but he's Jesus, he can whatever the hell he wants so back off.
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Paul Thompson is an intelligent, all-around lovable guy with good intentions, but in this review we see him fall victim to a somewhat debilitating case of 'talking about shit that doesn't actually have to do with the music but could help him come to a conclusion about it regardless'.
Thompson describes the Loud Wars as being formulaic, which is inherently meant to hold negative weight. However, if one were to describe an album review that met a formula in which the reviewer talked more about the music recorded on the album instead of other things that aren't recorded on the album, you'd be describing a good review. In a very pitchforkian sense, then Paul Thompson's review is both formulaic and yet not formulaic at all. It's so human yet so digital. Yet at the same time-- at the VERY same time-- it is so not Merriweather Post Pavilion.
Still, this may all be a result of crappy music, not lazy reviewing. We'll give you a break on this one Paul, but only because you're so goddamn lovable.
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Oh David Bevan, why have you forsaken me?
In an incredibly uninspired review, David Bevan is sending readers into a frenzy of disappointment, but can one really blame the reviewer for the remarkably high standards that readers set upon them after past successes? Of course we all remember Bevan's past genre-shaking reviews that seemed to say, "hey language, yeah you, written word, you are no longer a viable medium for what I need to convey," but can't a guy just take a breather every once in a while?
Is it fair of one critic to tell another critic that they can't use phrases like "walls of sound" to describe something good despite the fact that everyone knows that a wall of sound is not only the most generic phrase, but also just conveys the message that the sound is a large, impenetrable substance made probably of brick or some other material that would just hurt if it ever came at you or you ran into it? Is that even a question?
Nevertheless, you have to give a man props for rating two albums in one review and claiming that one album is exactly 1/100th better than the other. Only a review penned by The Bev could make such an aggressive choice.
It is, however, unforgivable, to end a review with a statement that is so incredibly pompous (yet simultaneously nondescriptive) that it makes Brian Howe look like Bill Shakespeare. I present, unedited, Bevan's big closing number:
"Santos seems to be trying to transcend the idea of listening experience in particular. He's taken to finding a spectrum of sound that mirrors more than just a moment."
If this is true, if Santos has in fact transcended the concept of listening and that all other music simply captures a moment whereas Santos' music mirrors somehow more than this, than this album needs not only to receive a 10.0 but also to be played over loud speakers big-brother style for every human being to listen to immediately. All other music will be burned because it is no longer relevant. Apparently, neither is David Bevan.
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Guest lists: Japandroids
Oh cool, the same questionnaire we see every day. Oh well, bands are just numbers, so these questions should be relevant to everyone. "You know what, I actually don't have a mobile phone. I'm the last of my kind." Incredible. - 7.6
Interviews: Phoenix
Because Pitchfork prefaces the interview with explaining how Phoenix frontman Thomas Mars' "english fails him" sometimes and how his "big ideas don't always totally translate on the page," we've taken up the taks of further translated Mr. Mars responses to these "fascinating" and "hard-hitting" questions. By providing answers of our own.
Pitchfork: Congrats on playing "Saturday Night Live". Did they try to get you guys in any comedy skits?
Thomas Mars: Unless you are justin Timberlake, the musical guest never acts in a skit. Good first question, douche.
Pitchfork: It feels like people are really ready to love Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix. Do you feel like people are responding to this record more than anything else you've done?
TM: It feels like we're already a semi-popular band, so yeah, people are responding to this now because they actually know who we are.
Pitchfork: It's funny you mention that, because I was thinking how your songs could be in a billion commercials. Specifically, they seem perfect for iPod ads, which tend to go with really pop-oriented, upbeat music. Would you want to do an ad like that?
TM: Is this a trick question? Don't you shit on bands who do iPod ads? Is this a nice way of asking me if we're going to sell out?
Pitchfork: I think a lot of people think of the iPod commercial when they hear Coldplay's "Viva la Vida."
TM: Hmm, people associate incredibly popular songs with an incredibly popular ad campaign. Profound.
Pitchfork: I read that some of the songs on the new record took three years to complete. Obviously, you're not working on the same song everyday for three years
TM: What else does three years to complete mean? - 5.9
Interviews: Bat for Lashes
"Then, bolstering her astronomical metaphors with a tragic character inspired by the seamy underbelly of old New York, and trading debut album Fur and Gold's orchestral druid-rock trappings for booming percussion and 1980s electro synths, she makes the whole thing magnificently her own."
That is one sentence. This paragraph is then closed with a latin phrase "Exeunt omnes." Good thing Natasha Khan is cool. - 8.0
Articles: Bonnaroo 2009
Wow, three pages of miraculously non-comprehensive reviews of each band that played, this SO sums up the Bonnaroo experience for a vast majority of the audience!
Excerpt:
TV on the Radio [Which Stage; 6:45 p.m.]
"TVOTR are also a well-oiled festival machine by this point, rolling through their catalog with a sharp precision and few curiosity-killing lulls. Maybe too much so: some of the menace of "Wolf Like Me" and "Staring at the Sun" was dissipated, either by the familiarity of the moment or they peaceful sunset Tunde Adebimpe bellowed into."
It's a sad thing when a band's "menace" is "disspated" by "familiarty" and a "peaceful sunset." That's EXACTLY what I was thinking! - 4.5
This Book is Broken
"This Book is Broken" (article by Pitchfork writer, Stuart Berman)
A highly critical commentary on the gripping new novel "This Book is Broken," which is also written by Pitchfork writer, Stuart Berman.
- self-ball-tonguing assholes - 0.2
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SONIC YOUTH INTERVIEW AD
The picture is a little blurry but this does make us feel authentic. Also, being able to get a band in to do an interview after rating one of their albums a 0.0 is like getting an internet footjob -- both impressive and baffling when you tell your friends about it the next day - 9.0
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FORKCAST
Overall Score (adjusted based on the fact that it is literally impossible to pronounce 'forkcast' as one word, and using the term 'forkast' would achieve the same end and be far more reasonable): 5.3
Graham Coxon: In the Morning
Describing a song as "Beatles-y" is the broadest, most unhelpful description ever: Should I expect this song to be like 'Happiness is a Warm Gun' or 'Yellow Submarine'... 4.8
Love Is All: Various Songs (Daytrotter session)
Daytrotter's mission statement explicitly says that what makes them stand apart is that they are producing their own original content for the music world, not just regurgitating it. Being ironic is so first half of 2009. - 3.1
Spiral Stairs: "Maltese Terrier"
Already heard about this in your news section, hate clicking multiple links, why wouldn't you just include the song with the news story? What is this about? Is this about the money? Ya know what just come to my house and take it, I don't even care. I'm going to put my life saving's in my child's mouth and I want you to just take the entire baby with the money in it, and I want you to sell the baby because I don't care about him either. You are sick bastards. - 7.8
Sally Shapiro: "Miracle (Bogdan Irkük Remix)"
Why are the titles of all remixes in some language I can't understand: Cultural hegemony! - 3.2
jj: "From Africa to Málaga"
If you click the link provided to go to the song where the artists have hosted it, you are presented bluntly with a white page, sparse text, and a large, faded image of two people's backs splattered ravenously with blood.
Pitchfork describes this song as being a "light Balearic summery jam, and would make a nice soundtrack to chilling by a cold swimming pool. Boy, doesn't that sound nice on a day like this." Mixed message much? - 2.8
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I want Julia Roberts to take me to Neverland. I don't think I'm alone.
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